


Symptoms

by The_Fanfic_Train



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Growth, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone is suffering, F/M, Irene is a psychologist, M/M, Maybe??? Not sure if it's angst or not, Mentions of Blood, Negative Thoughts, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Self-Destruction, Sort of Canon Compliant?, Spoilers for Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Suicidal Tendencies, Therapy, everyone has phobias they've developed, it gets mentioned a couple of times, just wanted to give the heads up, sazed dating taako isn't really a thing, unhealthy mindsets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23538139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Fanfic_Train/pseuds/The_Fanfic_Train
Summary: They defeated the hunger. Then they rebuilt the world and the damage within it. And now, they have to rebuild each other.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Sazed/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 44
Kudos: 126





	1. Agoraphobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

Magnus was not paranoid. Magnus was brave, he was a _protection fighter,_ he was _made_ to be aware of dangers. 

  
But just because he was brave, he wasn’t foolhardy. Sure, the world outside _seemed_ safe. But how many cycles had _seemed_ safe before the hunger had shown up?

  
The best way to protect is to stay away from the danger altogether.

  
And so, when he told Taako that that’s why he wouldn’t be leaving the house to go to some club with their old teammates from the IPRE, he expected the elf to nod. He expected the elf to drop it, and say that they would see him on their next outing (they wouldn’t).

  
He didn’t. Taako got angry.

  
“Are you going to stay here for the rest of your life, Magnus?” Taako burst, just a decibel below a yell, “we didn’t save the world for you to avoid it, my man.”

  
“Like you said, Taako, we saved the world. Haven’t I earned the right to be a little bit of a shut in?” Magnus asked, pulling the blanket a little tighter around himself.

  
“Fuck, fine. Wallow in your misery. What ever happened to Magnus rushes in?” Taako scoffed to himself as he grabbed his satchel off the carved chair in the corner, ignoring the look of desperation Magnus was shooting his way.

  
“Taako,” Magnus finally broke, grabbing his friend- his brother’s arm as he approached the door. It was his first time off the couch in… hours? Days? Hard to say. When Taako turned to look at him, his eyes were softer then they had been, so Magnus took a deep breath and continued, “please don’t take everyone to the club. Why doesn’t everyone come over here instead? We’ll have a slumber party.”

  
“You can stay locked away forever if you want, Maggie,” Taako ripped his arm free, “but I want to- _everyone_ wants to forget about our miseries for one night. Even Davenport couldn’t handle being stuck at home with you all the time, and he’s the _motherfucking_ captain! We’re all going, and that’s that.”

  
Taako slammed Magnus’ front door shut in his face, and he stood there, trembling, for a few moments.

_  
They’re going to die. They’re all going to die. _

_  
The hunger is gone. There isn’t anyone to hurt them anymore. _

_  
Poison. Bar fight gone wrong. Smugglers. Traffickers. Getting separated. Poor decisions made under the influence. Trying to get home. Falling on the dance floor and getting trampled. Passing out in the bathroom and never waking up. Concussions, broken limbs, cuts, bruises, seizures from flashing lights, anxiety attacks- _

_  
They’re going to die. They’re all going to die. You need to protect them. _

  
But Magnus trudged back to the couch, gripping the blanket around himself, and sat in the middle.

  
He didn’t move.  
  


* * *

“Where’s Magnus?” Lup’s voice was certainly not what Taako wanted to hear shouting at him at point-blank range. Not when he was swaying against Kravitz, hands running up and down his gorgeous body, feeling every ripple of muscle. Not when Kravitz’s hands were low on his hips, looking straight into his eyes with a fiery intensity as the crowd swayed and pushed them closer together in time to the loud music.

  
“Didn’t want to go outside. Said he was scared of something happening,” Taako replied, praying his sister would take the hint that he and Kravitz were not looking for company.

  
She didn’t.

  
“I haven’t seen Magnus in two months. Did he look okay?” Lup prodded.

  
“Why don’t you scythe yourself over and see for yourself, babe? Kind of busy here,” Taako replied, inching closer to his boyfriend’s body.

  
“Taako,” She said in a warning tone, and her twin huffed, removing his hands and turning to face her.

  
“He looked like shit,” Taako called, “he’s lost a lot of weight. He’s not sleeping. I tried to convince him to come out, he said no. This is not a Taako-approved club conversation, and I am not nearly drunk enough to discuss this shit with you. If you want to play his pity game, go right ahead. But it’s been over a year since the hunger attacked, and he needs to grow the fuck up and get over it like the rest of us,” he snapped, and proceeded to pull Kravitz further into the dance floor.

_  
Get over it, like the rest of us? _

_  
Did Taako think that they were all fully recovered from the hunger’s attacks? _

_  
Gods, was he? _

  
Lup felt her stomach turn. She had been having nightmares, so vivid and severe that she’d wake up hyperventilating, fighting to breathe and blink away tears all at once whilst Barry shook her awake.

  
Barry never woke up hyperventilating in the night.

  
Was it just them, then? Just Lup and Magnus who never ‘grew up and got over it’?

  
She moved out of the dance floor, and to the bathroom, past the bar where Barry was sitting with Merle and Lucretia.

  
“Hey, did you get any word on Magnus?” Barry got up to meet her halfway. The music was quieter here, being further from the speakers, but Lup only shook her head and accelerated her pace to the bathroom.

  
She emptied the contents of her stomach and rested her head on the cool porcelain. She figured it was probably that last vodka soda she had, but her thoughts were so weighted she almost threw up a second time when she remembered to think. 

  
She was trapped for twelve years. It was over a decade of isolation. Was it ridiculous to be a little stunted after that? Was it ridiculous to crave simulation through every sense available, to make up for lost time? To drag her family out on one of their rare nights off to drink because she needed to feel safe while she got her sensory fill?

_  
You’re a liability to those around you. That’s why you’re weak. Fix Magnus. It will fix you. _

  
“Fix Magnus, it will fix you,” She whispered aloud to herself, “fix Magnus, fix you.”  
  


* * *

  
“CPTSD,” Is all the psychologist offers, as she opens the door to her office and Magnus exits. Magnus throws up a big thumbs up as he leaves, slotting himself in between Lup and Taako on the small love seat in the waiting room.

  
“You seem awfully cheery,” Taako said, nudging Magnus’ side.

  
“Oh, don’t misunderstand me, I’m terrified right now. But, go big or go home, I guess. And CPTSD is kind of a cool acronym, so fuck it,” Magnus shrugged.

  
“Do you feel better having a name to put to what’s going on?” Lup asked.

  
“Sort of? The doctor said she was going to go get some files and then we’re going to start discussing like- counselling, and stuff. And they’re going to give me a dietitian. And they’ve informed me that all my meetings will be in person,” Magnus scrunched his nose.

  
“Well, not to speak on behalf of everyone, Maggie, but that’s fucking incredible,” Lup beamed and took his hand, “we’re proud of you for taking steps towards recovery. Isn’t that right, Taako?”

  
“Hm, yeah, sure. You got it big guy,” He said, feigning nonchalance. 

  
“Magnus?” A soft, female voice called, and he stood from the couch, “hi, I’m Dr. Irene Baker. Dr. Jones thought I might be better suited to your case. My office is just down the hall, would you like to walk with me?”

  
“Um, sure,” Magnus said, glancing back at the twins. They offered him two sets of big thumbs up, so he took a deep breath and started towards his new doctor.

  
Dr. Baker told Magnus he wasn’t paranoid. His brain had been engineered to believe they were always in danger. If it had been engineered once, it could be done again.

  
Dr. Baker told Magnus he was brave. Anyone who was able to make a move towards feeling better was brave. Especially when that person had the same fears he did. 

  
Dr. Baker told Magnus that even though he was a protection fighter, sometimes he didn’t have to fight. It’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes, it’s okay to just handle what’s happening bit by bit. Fighting back can happen on good days.

  
Dr. Baker told Magnus that it was good to be aware of dangers. Laughed, made a joke about saving tax payer’s dollars on hospital trips. Told him that awareness was everything, and as long as he knew what _could_ happen, he would be okay. Adapting is important, and he couldn’t live in his practically abandoned house forever.  
  


Dr. Baker told Magnus he was brave, and that she was proud of him. And Dr. Baker promised that she would help him grow until he could say the same.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the start of my first (published) TAZ fic! I'm working on a Taavitz fic right now, but that will be a long time running, judging by how long it is already. These will be short chapters, and will bounce around from character to character. This chapter was very Magnus focused because I thought that he fit this phobia best, but the next chapter will be Taako and Barry based, so stay tuned!


	2. Amnesiphobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.

Guilt.  
  


Barry Bluejeans was guilty.   
  


Lup was, other than the nightmares, doing really well. And so was he, most of the time. Their relationship was better than ever, now that there was no threat looming over their head. They worked with each other, and with Kravitz, and being a reaper was  _ fun _ . They would spend the job jabbing at each other, teasing Kravitz’s for his poor accent, joking that Barry’s scythe was always two sizes too big, and that Lup couldn’t ever finish a bounty without setting at least one thing on fire.  
  


Once the job was done, the soul having been escorted to the astral plane, they’d head home, and Taako almost always had something on the stove for them to shove down their throats. Then they’d separate- Kravitz would go downstairs to the apartment he and Taako shared in the basement, and Lup and Barry would help upstairs for some R&R.  
  


And that was when he felt it most.  
  


He had forgotten her. Several times. The light of his life, his reason for existing, his best friend. It didn’t matter how strong the voidfish was, his love for Lup should have been stronger.  
  


Lup was in the shower, claiming that she needed to wash the scent of death off herself, and Barry sat alone on their bed.  
  


He thought he loved her. He knew he did, more than anything. When he was a lich, searching for her, it was the only thing that kept him together.   
  


But whenever he was sucked into a human body, he didn’t even know who he was looking for.  
  


If it happened once, who was stopping it from happening again? He was in his corporeal form, and had been for quite some time. If anything ever happened, if his memory was wiped-  
  


Lup could walk through that door, and he’d wonder who she was and why she was in his house.  
  


She had confided in him, that whilst she was in her umbrastaff, she had been able to sense the outside world. She had felt her brother’s grasp on the handle, and had been able to tell that he had no clue that he had a twin. She told him that it had broken her heart, to watch him suffer alone. That she couldn’t protect him.  
  


If he were ever to forget, she would have her heart broken again. Except this time, she’d be right there, watching the destruction first-hand.  
  


How awful of a partner do you have to be to do that to your lover?  
  


“Babe, you’re still in uniform. As much as you know I love that, it’s time to snooze,” Lup said, with one towel wrapped around her torso and a smaller one in her hair.   
  


“Shit, yeah,” Barry got off the bed, and shucked his reaper’s robe off onto the couch in the corner by their closet, “just got to thinking.”  
  


“Bear?” Lup’s hands found purchase on his shoulder blades once he had tossed his shirt into the laundry basket, “is everything okay?”  
  


He turned and looked her in the eyes. They were slightly worried, maybe a little confused, but filled with trust and love.  
  


And he  _ forgot  _ her.  
  


_ It’s not okay. I forgot you.  _ Barry wanted to say.  _ I’m sorry I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you ever again. I’m afraid I might forget. I’m afraid I might lose you again. I’m afraid I’ll lose everyone again. I just want our family to stay together, and I’m afraid because we can fall apart at any moment without warning.  
  
_

“Yeah, Lup, everything’s fine.”

* * *

  
Taako was an actor, from day one. Sure, his passion was cooking and magic, but at the end of the day, his best skill was to feign confidence and lie through his teeth.  
  


He was even able to fool Lup on occasion, and when he was feeling better, he would be able to gloat to himself that he had bested their twin powers. If anyone asked, he was living his best life. Two cats, a handsome piece of ass that loved him dearly, a thriving school, and a beauty unlike any other.  
  


And sure, the cats were great. Kravitz was great. The school was eh, and the beauty was all a glamour. All a lie.  
  


In reality, he was hollow inside. He had died several times, felt himself be torn apart by the hunger, felt his blood drip onto burning hot rocks all the while praying that someone,  _ anyone _ , had made it to the Starblaster-  
  


Kravitz knew something was wrong with him, Taako was sure of it. He skirted around the subject, so Taako was able to deflect and play innocent.   
  


(“Hey Taako, are you... feeling okay?”  
  


“Hm? Why?”  
  


“You’ve just been… distant.”  
  


“Well, that’s because you keep taking bounties far away. Pick something closer to home, my dude.”)  
  


And yes, he had been awfully cold with Kravitz recently. He knew he was doing it, and it hurt, and he wished he could stop, but he couldn’t. As fucked as it was, part of him wished he could go back to the day of story and song, when he had thrown himself at the reaper without regrets. His heartbeat was thudding through his ears, pure adrenaline, as he had finally locked lips in the place where Phandalin had once stood.  
  


Nowadays, Kravitz would lean in for a kiss and Taako would press one to his cheek and scurry away.  
  


_ You love him, why don’t you treat him like you love him?  
  
_

Maybe Taako wasn’t as good at acting as he thought. But it wasn’t all the time that he needed his space, and Kravitz seemed to understand that he felt guilty when Taako would snuggle up to him later in the evening.  
  


It was hard to know if he could tell Taako was depressed.  
  


Was he depressed? Or was that just his personality, now?  
  


He was different after story and song. He had his sister back in his life, who he didn’t even know he missed. They had a proper home. Life wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad.  
  


It was a Saturday, no classes to be had, and all the marking Taako was neglecting was still at home on his desk. His family had abandoned him, claiming that they had important reaper business to attend to, so Taako was on his own.  
  


That’s cool, cha' boy will make his own fun.  
  


And that’s how he finds himself in a cafe not too far from his school, holding back a panic attack.  
  


He had already ordered his coffee, and it was  _ fine _ , until he overheard a group of students sitting by the window talking about him.  
  


“That’s our headmaster Taako. He’s one of the seven birds.”  
  


“Oh, really? He seems like kind of a tightass.”  
  


“Nah, he’s cool once you get to know him,” one student said, “but once students get on his bad side, they’re done for.”  
  


People talked about him. That was whatever. He was  _ Taako _ , and he was from  _ TV _ .  _ Of course _ people were going to talk about him.  
  


“Well, yeah, everyone knows about how he flipped shit on the benefit lady.”  
  


“You mean the Bureau of balance director?”  
  


“Board of Beatific. Whatever. What was her name, anyways? Leigh…?”  
  


There was a long pause.  _ Oh gods,  _ Taako thought,  _ they don’t remember. They don’t remember. Do I remember? Her name is Lucretia. Lucretia. Lucretia.  
  
_

His hands started to shake.  _ Everything is fine. Just wait for the coffee. Then go home. It’ll be fine. Who gives a fuck about Lucretia anyways? Fucking forget her.   
  
_

The silence stretched so long that a student laughed, “What were we even talking about?” and resumed giggling about classes.  
  


_ Oh no. Oh, no no no no no. They’ve forgotten. You’re going to forget. You just have to get home. Lup will come find you. You just have to get home. She’ll fix things, she always does.  
  
_

“Taako?” The barista called, and he resisted the urge to grab the coffee from her hands and run off. Instead, he took it and dropped a dollar in the tip jar, knowing many of his students worked there, and left at a speed walk.  
  


_ Remember Lup. Remember Barry. Remember Magnus and Merle and Kravitz and Davenport. Remember the mongoose family, the robot world, the nasty ass gifts Merle gave out at the beach world. Remember the Starblaster, remember the hunger, remember that the reason why your leg is fucking busted is because you got an air conditioner dropped on you in Wonderland.  _

  
He felt a little dizzy, and his heart raced more. He was probably out of shape, dehydrated, maybe, but what if Lucretia had found another voidfish? What if she had managed to fuck them all one last time?

  
He hadn’t drunk any of his coffee when he burst through the front door of their shared house. He had left the basement door open when he left, so the cats were wandering around the first floor.

  
His persian longhair, a beautiful white-coloured baby was strutting across the counters in his kitchen. He threw his coffee on the table, spilling some, as he swooped Orchid (Kravitz’s idea, not his). She dug her claws into his arms for grip, drawing blood, but he didn’t care. Taako breathed deeply into the fur as more tears fell. No one was home. They would have yelled to him if they were. 

  
He was alone. But he remembered. He could remember Lup, and Kravitz, and Barry and all of his family. He could remember, and they weren’t going anywhere.

  
It wasn’t happening again. Everything was fine.

  
He ended up curling with Orchid on the couch, who grew tired of the snuggling far faster than her owner did. After she hissed at him, he let go of her with a firm set frown.

  
“You’re not supposed to be mean to me,” Taako narrowed his eyes at her as she licked her paw and stared at him, “ _ I _ feed you.”

  
But, because Orchid was a cat, she did not respond. He walked back to his forgotten coffee and took a sip- cold. He threw it in the fridge, deciding to make iced coffee another time and beginning to usher the cats back downstairs so that Lup wouldn’t freak out.

  
By the time Kravitz came home, Taako was already in bed. The reaper slipped into bed, and Taako couldn’t help but throw himself at him.

  
“Hey, Taako. Did you have an okay day?” He asked.

  
“I missed you,” He muttered under his breath.

  
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Kravitz asked.

  
“No, it’s okay. It’s just good to have you home,” he said, looking up and smiling at the reaper.

  
“Did you have a rough day, babe?” The reaper asked, gently untangling the braid that Taako had forgotten to take out.

  
“My day was good- went out for coffee, snuggled with Orchid- it was fun,” He promised, despite the heavy lump in his throat as he thought about what happened in the coffee shop.

  
“I’m glad to hear that,” Kravitz smiled back, pressing a kiss to Taako’s forehead.

  
Taako was a talented wizard. He was an excellent chef, a competent headmaster, and an okay brother/ boyfriend.

  
But he was also an actor. The world was his stage, and everyone around him was an audience member he needed to sell on his part. Even Barry, even Lup, even Magnus and Merle.

  
Even Kravitz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two! I'm currently uploading everyday, but we'll see how well I manage to keep that up- I do have a final exam and a paper due that needs some work. We'll see if I can make it- next chapter is going to be on aphenphosmphobia, the fear of being touched (which was talked about a little in this chapter but will be expanded on!).


	3. Aphenphosmphobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW- This chapter is going to be a little darker than the previous two. Ther is no explicit s*lf-h*rm, but there are destructive tendencies in this chapter. The start of the section is "The glass bowl shattered on the floor, covering every surface in batter and glass shards." and goes to the end. Summary will be provided for those who don't feel comfortable with this section!

Fucking. Lucretia.  
  


Lup had given him fair warning that she was going to try and call him, with Candlenights approaching, and that he should- her words, not his- play nice.  
  


She asked if they were still going to host- yes.

  
She asked if they needed any help- no.  
  


She asked if she could bring anything- no.  
  


She asked about desserts- no. Taako and Lup were planning on baking. Twin time, and shit.   
  


She asked about wine- yes. Taako was planning on getting shitfaced the moment she walked through his goddamn door, so the more booze the better.  
  


And then silence.  
  


“Taako, you know that I really am-”  
  


“Gonna cut you off there, homie. Not feeling it today. Do you have any more questions?”  
  


“Are you ever going to forgive me, Taako?” Lucretia asked softly, and he cursed himself for not being more specific.  
  


“Do you have any more  _ Candlenights _ related questions?”  
  


A long pause.  
  


“Okay, great. Talk to you then, I guess,” He said, hanging up his stone and pacing around his room. 

  
Salem, Kravitz’s cat, watched him as he moved restlessly, tail flicking as it sprawled across the bed. 

  
It was Taako’s idea to get cats. Half of it was so that he would have company when the reapers were at work while he ignored his school and stayed at home- the other half was that, as an openly gay Taako, he had to be the gayest person in a hundred miles.

  
So, cats. Something for him and Kravitz to nurture like little fur babies with less than half the mess of a real baby, and (hypothetically) half the complaining.   
  


He had fallen in love with Orchid almost immediately. She was soft under his fingertips. When he had gotten close to her kennel, she had cried to be let out, had cried for attention, and for love. She was bloodied around her ears where she had supposedly been covered in ticks (they tried to give her a bath when they got home, which was a huge mistake) and she all but climbed into his arms when he opened the cage to see her.  
  


He turned to show Kravitz, but the man was distracted. He was kneeling on the floor, whispering into one of the kennels with his one hand as far into the cage as the bars would allow.  
  


“Kravitz!” Taako had called, and the man had barely noticed, so he rose his voice and tried again, “Kravitz!”  
  


He glanced up, looking like a deer caught in a set of headlights. He stood from his kneel, heading over for a closer look. “And who’s this?”

  
“Her name plate says her name is Tammy,” Taako scrunched his nose in distaste, “and I think that’s a dumb name for a cat. No wonder she needed rescuing. She needs a good home and a good name.”

  
“Like Orchid,” Kravitz said, reaching to scratch behind her ears, “She looks like an Orchid to me.”

  
“She does not,” Taako huffed, “She looks like she should be named Charmagne or something fancy. She is an elegant young lady.”

  
“I know, and that’s why I suggested Orchid. They’re beautiful, simple, tasteful…” He trailed off. “Do you want to see a cat I found? His name is Dumpster Man. He’s really cute.”

  
“A cat named Dumpster Man? Now this, I’ve got to see,” Taako muttered, still stroking the soft fur of the cat in his arms.

  
“Well, why don’t you put Ms. Orchid back and we’ll take a look? I don’t think we’re supposed to take them out in the first place,” Kravitz urged.  
  


“That rule is for pussies, my fella. If you wanna hold the cat, hold the cat,” Taako informed, reluctantly placing the cat back into her crate.   
  


Kravitz all but pulled him over towards the cage his hand had been in a mere moment before, gesturing to the huddle of fur in the back corner.  
  


“Look at him. He’s so sleepy,” Kravitz whispered. “And look at that eye! He’s so handsome.”  
  


Handsome was  _ not _ the word Taako would have used. The black cat’s fur was patchy, turned silver in some areas from stress and age, and, as Kravitz’s had implied, the cat only had one eye.   
  


“Dumpster Man, huh?” Taako kneeled next to Kravitz, looking tentatively at his face.  
  


Mother fucker.  
  


Kravitz was looking at Dumpster Man the way Barry had looked at Lup on the Starblaster a century ago.  
  


_ Motherfucker. _ The Grim Reaper had  _ fallen in love _ with a cat that looked like it died a week ago and no one noticed.  
  


“You like him, don’t you?” Taako tried to hide his disappointment.  
  


“Mm. Needs a new name, but he’s really cute. Rather quiet,” Kravitz mused. “I think we should get him- unless you had your heart set on Orchid?”  
  


“Kravvy, if you really like Dumpster Man, we can get him.”  
  


“We’re getting a cat for you, love. We should get Orchid. I think you’d be happiest with her.”  
  


“Kravitz, you’ll regret it if we don’t get Dumpster Man. I know that look.”  
  


There was a beat of silence, and then Kravitz laughed. “Barry is going to kill us.”  
  


“The whole agreement was that we’d keep our cat in the basement to limit his allergies. What’s the difference if we get a second cat?”  
  


And that was how, an hour later, there was two cat carriers strapped in with seat belts in the back seat.   
  


“Orchid and Salem.” Taako said while they were stopped at a red light.  
  


“Salem?” Kravitz asked, fingers drumming on the steering wheel to the beat of the music.  
  


“You named my cat, I name yours.”   
  


“... Salem. I like that. Like the historical town in Boston?” Kravitz asked.  
  


“Like Sabrina’s cat- y’know, from Sabrina the-”  
  


“You know what, because you named my cat, I think I get to pick which Salem,” Kravitz shook his head. “You’re not naming my cat after an old fantasy tv show.”  
  


“Jokes on you, Sabrina’s cat Salem was named after the town anyways. I still win, my man.” Taako stuck his tongue out, and Kravitz shook his head.   
  


“Why don’t you focus less on winning this conversation and more on how to break the news to Barry and Lup?”

  
In the end, Taako’s decision had been to gaslight. The reapers hadn’t been around when they brought the cats home, so he had avoided the conversation. When he mentioned that Orchid was white one day and then talked about Salem the next, he had just levelled the look Lup had given him.   
  


“Lup, his name is Orchid, and he’s a black cat. Cause I’m a wizard or witch or whatever, and every good one of those has a black cat.”  
  


“Lup, Orchid is a her. And she’s white. Why would we name a black cat Orchid? That doesn’t make any sense.”  
  


And then, at some point on the job, Kravitz had mentioned that the cats had been cuddling like Yin and Yang on their bed, and the truth came free.

  
But Hey, Taako-2 and Kravitz-0. He still didn’t have to break the news to Barry, so that was a definite win.

  
Salem still watched him pace, and it unnerved Taako. Sir Salem Dumpster Man had grown on him, as the hairless patches had regrown after plenty of time of regular care, despite being pretty thin in some spots. 

  
His irritation was only growing, so he left their bedroom and headed to the kitchenette in the basement apartment. The one upstairs was nicer, but Taako could not be assed to do a flight of stairs. He needed his mind off fucking Lucretia pronto, and the best way to do that was to stress-bake his feelings away.

  
Macarons were always good. Sort of his specialty. 

  
Cookies were easy. Fast, and he could be stress eating within the next hour if he played his cards right.

  
Kravitz loved brownies, but refused to eat them in front of people because it wasn’t “grim reaper-like”. Even though he would stay frozen on the couch for hours if Salem fell asleep on him because he didn’t want to disturb him.

  
Fuck it, brownies it was. An apology for all the shit that had been going on recently.

  
He sifted his cocoa powder, ground coffee beans and sugar into a large glass bowl whilst he melted butter and chocolate together on the stove, humming softly. Hopefully Kravitz would be home soon. Taako missed his super-handsome face.

  
Happy with the level of melting in his pot, he poured it into his dry mixture, stirring it until it was a consistent mixture. He kept meaning to ask Kravitz if he was cool with buying a Fantasy Alexa- it would be nice to have some proper music playing whilst he baked.

  
As he stirred, he bit his lip. He was missing something, but what? Flour and chocolate chips, but he always did that last- vanilla, salt, and- eggs, that was it, eggs.

  
He glanced over his shoulder, and saw he had left the carton on the counter next to the stove. Forgot to move it to the island where he was stirring- no biggie. He’d move his operation over there. He was going to need to grab measuring spoons for the salt in a moment anyways, so as well.

  
Holding the bowl that was now fairly cool, he took a step towards the counter.

  
And then Orchid, in a moment of excitement, streaked through the kitchen, brushing across his bare leg.

  
The glass bowl shattered on the floor, covering every surface in batter and glass shards.

_  
It was just Orchid. You’re fine. You can restart. You need to clean up before Kravitz gets home. You need to get rid of the glass before someone hurts themself. _

  
But all the same, he couldn’t move. His hands were suddenly trembling, and he had the urge to rip, to tear, to itch- the skin near his ankle burned uncomfortably. 

  
Slowly, he crouched lower to the ground. He could pick up glass and itch with the other. Taako was not some easy breakable doll. This was fine. He could  _ handle _ it.

  
Like he could handle Sazed?

_  
Focus on the glass. If Orchid or Salem hurts themself because you were thinking about that shitbag, then it’ll be all your fault. _

  
He began to itch the skin his cat had grazed against, but recoiled his hand like it had burnt him. No, that was no good. The skin was sensitive, agitated- he’d have to shower. Scrub the skin with soap, maybe, until he was pink and raw and freshly untouched. Yes, that would do. First, clean, then a shower. That would help motivate him to clean.  
  


The first time he cut his hand on glass, it caught him by surprise. He thought he had been careful. The small slice on his pointer finger disagreed.  
  


_ Fuck it. If you’re going to be bleeding all over the floor anyways, might as well get this shit over with. _

  
Taako abandoned caution and began to grab the glass as he saw it, earning himself some more slices across his palms and fingers. When he had most of it off the floor, he dumped the glass into the garbage and washed his hands to get rid of the brownie mix and blood that had began to cover every inch of him.  
  


His ankle  _ hurt.  _ At this point, Taako was seriously considering a hazmat suit. Then he’d never have to get touched by anyone or anything ever again.

  
The skin under his arms, between his legs, toes, and fingers began to tingle in a way that was woefully familiar. God, it was just him.  _ Taako _ was the only one touching  _ Taako _ , could his sensory system give it a rest?

  
The shaking of his hands began to spread across his body as he mopped the floor. He didn’t realize he was crying until he was sobbing, struggling to see the floor through his clouded gaze.

  
Where the fuck was Kravitz?

_  
Not like he’d be able to do anything for you anyways, considering that you won’t let him touch you. _

_  
I want to! _ Taako screamed back at himself as he climbed into the shower.  _ I want him to hold me and I want to feel safe again. I want to feel good in my body, I want Kravitz to be proud of me and I want to be able to touch him without feeling like I’m going to pass out! _

  
The soap in his hands stung, but he ensured that his hands were thoroughly coated as he began to scratch the skin that bothered him. He showered for an hour, past when the water got cold, because he needed to  _ scrub,  _ needed to  _ know _ that he was  _ clean. _

  
Everything stung once he got out, but he had the good sense to dress the cuts on his hands before heading to bed. It was early, only about 7pm, but if Taako had burned all his energy.

  
He hadn’t eaten dinner- did he remember to eat today? 

  
Fuck it. One day wouldn’t hurt. He’d eat tomorrow, hopefully once things were better. 

  
He finally found clean clothes that were tight enough to minimize how much his skin would touch itself and fell into bed. He was ready to fall asleep and never wake up, Sleeping Beauty style (minus the kiss with the prince, because Kravitz would be mortified if Taako tried to scratch off his mouth in front of him). His skin was stinging in irritation (he had only stopped scrubbing his ankle once his fingernails were coated in blood), but the clean cotton of the bed and his clothes felt good. 

  
The bed dipped much later, and Kravitz joined him beneath the covers.

  
“What happened to your hands, my love?” He asked, noticing the bandages.

  
Taako muttered something about the glass mixing bowl and Kravitz sighed.

  
“Just… be more careful, okay?” And then he pressed a kiss to the crown of Taako’s forehead and settled down to fall asleep.

_  
This is fine. The kiss was fine. It felt fine. _

  
The kiss wasn’t fine. The burning was beginning to settle back in, and Taako cursed internally. Just wait until Kravitz falls asleep, then he could sneak upstairs to another bathroom to shower. The Blupjeans couple would think it was Kravitz not trying to disturb Taako, and Kravitz would think it was either of the two reapers. 

  
He could do this.

_  
This is insanity. _

  
He couldn’t do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Taako cleans up the glass and the batter with his hands, getting some cuts. Takes a long shower to try and settle the discomfort he feels from being touched, and then heads to bed.
> 
> This is probably going to be the darkest chapter in the story, so, on one hand, yay for it only getting better? Next chapter will be the Candlenights chapter, starring Ms. Lucretia (who I adore and I am so excited to write about).
> 
> See you soon!


	4. Athazagoraphobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten or ignored or forgetting.

Davenport, Magnus, Merle, Barry, Lup, Taako, Kravitz, Carey, Killian, Mavis and Mookie, Angus McDonald. The bottle of wine, and some treats for the cats (a surely feeble attempt to suck up to Taako, but it was worth a shot). The six birds, covered. All the B.O.B. employees that were going to be present were covered, along with the presents for Merle’s kids.  
  


Lucretia was sure she was forgetting something, but didn’t know what. She had all of her gifts in the box in front of her, she was dressed, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave.  
  


She grabbed her notebook off the counter, opening to her checklist.   
  


Wine, check.

Gifts, check.

Cat treats, check.

Wallet, check.

Coat, hats, mitts, check.  
  


Whatever it was, it wasn’t on the list, but there had to be something?   
  


She glanced at the clock.  
  


She should have left 20 minutes ago.  
  


What was she missing? Whatever it was, she couldn’t leave without it.  
  


_Be logical, Lucretia. That’s what you do best. What are you missing?  
  
_

She had the batteries for Mookie’s toy, and extra glass stopper for the wine bottle, her card to congratulate Magnus on his progress, the notebook she had given him to help him track his recovery-  
  


The pen she bought him, of course.  
  


She tsked at herself as she hurried back into her office, rifling through her desk until she found the pen case. It was reminiscent of the pens she had used when they first left their home planet- smooth, precise, and clean. They were her favourites, and she had spent many years on this planet trying to find an adept replacement.  
  


She felt much better as she placed the pen into her box of gifts. She was ready to leave.  
  


Hopefully she was lucky, and Avi had waited to send her off before heading to the B.O.B party. If not, she was going to be even later than she already was.   
  


* * *

  
She wasn’t quite sure when her obsession with documentation had begun. She had lost her mother relatively young, and her dad had always been gone at work. When he’d come home, he’d sit with her and listen to her recount what had happened. As she got older, and he started working later hours, she began keeping a diary so she could fill him in on what he had missed in her life.

  
Maybe it was then.

  
Or maybe it was when she got back her first failed essay in school, with the complaint she hadn’t been thorough enough. She cried the entire walk home, utterly humiliated- she’d hidden her test under her bed and tried to forget it. She still wrote it in her diary, but glazed over that part when she recounted it to her father that weekend.

  
Maybe it was then.

  
Maybe it was when she had graduated college and saw they were taking applicants to join the institution of interplanar research and exploration. She started writing with both hands, not stopping until she was out of papers hours into practice. Every muscle from fingertip to elbow ached as she fell asleep, but she desperately wanted to get into the elite academy. 

  
When she was accepted, her father hugged her tightly and congratulated her with a kiss on the cheek. Maybe it was then- when she would take detailed notes of her day to tell her bordering elderly father, just to see him beam at her with pride.

  
And then, years later, when they had discovered the light of creation and created the Starblaster, and she had been asked to be their chronicler- she had returned to her practicing. Two months, she was going to be away from her father, and the things she was going to see on her expedition? She wanted to tell him everything, so she would sit in front of her fantasy tv with a notebook balanced on each knee, documenting everything that happened in order to practice accurate note taking. 

  
Maybe it was then.

  
Maybe it was when they realized that their home world was destroyed, and that they’d never get to go back. Maybe it was when she knew that at some point, their luck could run out, and they’d die for real- and the only living memory of their homeworld and cycles existed within her notebooks.

  
Maybe it was when she copied a hundred years worth of notes in two months into a notebook to feed to Fisher. 

  
Maybe she had always been like that. But it had turned into a sort of compulsion, especially recently. Magnus, who she had been spending extra time with recently, would forget things and tap his toe on the floor. He called it annoying, but would shrug it off and say it would come to him later.

  
If she forgot something, it almost rendered her immobile. She didn’t know how to deal with not knowing.

  
Maybe that was why Taako hated her so much- she forced them to forget their lives for twelve years, and she couldn’t handle forgetting a pen for a minute.

  
The thought made her miserable.  
  


* * *

  
Taako was borderline miserable.  
  


Every time anyone came into their home, it was hugs all around. Magnus in particular had picked him up and squeezed so tight he _felt_ his back crack, only letting go once Lup came from downstairs.   
  


He was so glad he had decided on a thick jumper to block skin to skin contact as he smiled weakly at his friend. Lup all but dragged him to the couch, demanding to hear about his sessions with Dr. Baker, to which Magnus (loudly) complied.   
  


“And like, I still feel like garbage, but I feel _less_ like garbage, and Irene- sorry, Dr. Baker- she’s really awesome at understanding all of my issues. She’s also diagnosed me with like three other things I didn’t even _know I had_ \- apparently I have an anxiety disorder, which she’s pretty sure is caused by the CPTSD, but like- I mean, it’s cool having a name for these things- Davenport’s back!”  
  


As person by person arrived, hugs were distributed- and Magnus told everyone about Irene’s dog that she had started to bring to their sessions and how _you wouldn’t believe it, he doesn’t like people, but he hopped up on Magnus’_ _lap right away_.  
  


“Is Lucretia not coming?” Kravitz asked Taako, joining him where he was leaning against the counter.  
  


“She better be. She promised me she’d bring wine, and after Avi, she has the best booze,” Taako grumbled.  
  


“Mm. I just- listen, the gift I got you for Candlenights, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but I thought it was best to give it to you in private,” Kravitz glanced over at him nervously.  
  


“Yeah, no homo, I got you,” Taako nodded.  
  


“Taako,” Kravitz glanced at him, “we’ve been dating for over a year and a half at this point. I think we’re well past the point of ‘no homo’.”  
  


“What, you fucking gay, bro?” Taako asked, taking a sip from his cheap wine with a smile.  
  


“Yes- so are you.”  
  


“Really? Huh, who knew.”  
  


“Taako, I love you,” Kravitz laughed. “Are you having fun?”  
  


“I’m having more fun now that you’re here, kemosabe,” Taako elbowed him, “you sap. You just gonna profess your love for me in front of all these people?”  
  


“They’re not even listening.”  
  


“I am very much listening, skeletor,” Lup called from the couch, interrupting the conversation in the living room.   
  


“Do I want to know?” Davenport raised an eyebrow.  
  


“Well, I’m interested,” Barry said, crossing his legs, “Care to repeat?”  
  


Just then, Taako was saved by the bell- the doorbell, to be specific.  
  


“Lucretia!” Magnus jumped off the couch and rushed to the front door, pulling her in with a tight hug.  
  


“Ah- Magnus. Hello.” She smiled at him, trying to hug him around the crate she carried.   
  


“Lucy! Need a hand?” Lup asked.  
  


“Thank you,” Lucretia smiled as Lup took her box so she could take off her coat and boots. Everyone else had already arrived, even Carey and Killian, so there were a lot of greetings to be had before they could start having dinner.  
  


When she handed Taako the bottle of wine she had brought, she was surprised by him.  
  


“Thanks,” he muttered, taking it and then- almost instantaneously- he gave her a hug and was gone.  
  


_He just did it so that way no one could say he didn’t. Don’t read into it.  
  
_

Or maybe he had really begun to forgive her.   
  


It was the best Candlenights gift he could have given her. Even though he snapped at her after dinner when she tried to help clean, and sat as far away as he could when they moved to the living room, it didn’t matter. She was with her family, and things were good.  
  


* * *

_  
Friday, December 21st, 2018 pt. 4 _

_I have just arrived home after the Candlenights celebration at Lup, Barry, Taako, and Kravitz’s home. For dinner, there was a roast, mashed potatoes, vegetables (carrots, squash, mushrooms, broccoli, green beans, turnip, and asparagus). Lup and Taako baked candy cane macarons, pumpkin pie, and cupcakes with strawberries and frosting to look like santa hats. Taako gave me a hug just before dinner started, which was out of character. I want to follow up on this next time I see him._

_Magnus is doing very well. Lup seems to be very invested in his progress, so I suppose we were all a little worried. He cried and gave me a hug when he opened his gift. Promised he would use it until he was healthy enough to stop treatment._

_I think we’re all ready to be normal again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little shorter compared to the last chapter, but we've only got one more chapter to go before the plot starts to pick up!


	5. Autophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some minor body dysmorphia in this chapter! Mainly related to issues with gender and confidence. (More in the ending notes)

Bird mom had given her the day off. That’s cool. Super cool.   
  


Lup was losing her mind.  
  


On the panic scale, she was only about four. Could be better, could be worse.   
  


Of course, on her one day off, Barry and Kravitz had work. Which was also fine. She spent enough time with them anyways. And considering the fact that Kravitz had convinced good ol’ RQ to hire them knowing nothing about them other than they were Taako’s family, she was always supportive of boy time. Afterall, she and Barry were practically married, and Kravitz didn’t seem to be going anywhere. If he did ever break up with her brother, shit was going to get weird in the office. But maybe he knew that, and kept them around as insurance.  
  


Speaking of her brother, he had finally decided to act like the headmaster he was and teach at his school.  
  


Davenport had left, headed back to the sea shortly after Candlenights. Lucretia was busy with B.O.B. work.   
  


When Magnus picked up his stone of farspeech, he was with Dr. Baker.  
  


(“We’re getting gelato!” Magnus practically shouted into his stone.  
  


“Because he deserves it!” Irene called, her voice much softer.  
  


“Because  _ I deserve it! _ ” When Lup shut her eyes, she could see his goofy grin.  
  


“You guys taking a break from your session?” She smiled, running a hand through her hair.  
  


“Yeah. Irene doesn’t have any more sessions after this, and I wanted ice cream. So she treated! We’re going to extend the session a little and finish it up when we get back. What are you doing, Lulu?”  
  


“First off, only Taako calls me Lulu. You know that,” she spoke with malice, but it was all an act. Magnus was about as easy to get mad at as a teddy bear. “And I was checking up on you, dummy. I think I’m going to go wait for Taako to get off work. You want to come over for dinner, Maggie?”  
  


“I- uh- I have plans?”  
  


“With who? Magnus, we have the same six friends.”  
  


“Yeah I know- look, I’ll tell you about it another time. Love you, Lulu!” He said, hanging up before she could refute the nickname.)  
  


So Magnus was out. Suspicious as hell, but definitely out.  
  


She’d even called Merle, in pure desperation, but his stone was seemingly off. So, with a heavy sigh, she threw on a set of clothes and started the walk to Taako’s school.  
  


Surely, she could have cut a rift there, but it seemed like a good way to spook any onlookers. It wasn’t that far, really- Taako had ensured that once they decided to move in together, he needed to be able to access everything in less than a 15 minute walk or bus ride. Barry had suggested Taako learn to drive and they could buy a carriage, but the elf stared at him for so long that the human practically melted.  
  


(“What?”  
  


“Barry, I’m  _ gay.  _ I can’t drive.”  
  


“And how much does being gay have to do with driving?”  
  


“The same amount it relates to doing math! Fantasy Jesus Barold, keep up!”)  
  


_ God,  _ she loved her brother so much. And sweet, sweet Barry.  
  


Maybe she could convince Taako to cook dinner while she got her smooch on.  
  


_ Fuck yeah _ .  
  


She glanced at the mirror on her way out of the room.  
  


_ Oh no. That wouldn’t do.  
  
_

There was no way she could leave the house looking like  _ that.  
  
_

She swapped her sweater for a t-shirt.  
  


_ Wide shoulders. Very manly. Yuck.  
  
_

Okay, maybe big and baggy was better. An off the shoulder top? Maybe something a little cropped?  
  


_ You look so flat.  _ Lup bit her lip, staring herself up and down.  _ You’re a brick wall of fabric. And you call yourself a lady?  
  
_

The sweatpants would have to go as well.   
  


_ Something with curves.  _ Lup told herself, rifling through her drawers.  _ Tights, maybe?  
  
_

She didn’t even make it to the mirror. Even just staring down at herself, she knew it wasn’t right. All her weird edges were sticking out, and she seemed too small in all the wrong places.  
  


“But I like these tights,” she muttered to herself, throwing them at the very back of her drawer. “Why don’t they look good on me? They usually look good.”  
  


Jeans. Loose enough to hide edges, tight enough to add curves. With this top? A guaranteed look ™.  
  


The mirror disagreed.  
  


_ I don’t look like that. Why do I look like that? Why do I look all small and boney?   
  
_

_ It’s because you were built wrong. You weren’t meant to be you. You were supposed to be Taako’s twin brother, not his sister.  
  
_

She knew she should ignore her inner monologue. Start walking to Taako’s school. Maybe stop by that cafe he liked. Get some drinks. But she stepped closer to the mirror all the same.  
  


_ Taako has such cute little freckles. He makes them look good. Why do my freckles look weird and splotchy?  
  
_

_ Is that peach fuzz or the beginning of a beard?  
  
_

_ Was it the lighting, or was her Adam's apple bigger than before?  
  
_

She was going to go insane staring at herself.

  
And she did.  
  


* * *

  
“For the last  _ fucking _ time, Renee, if you transmute your final exam into an imitation of Dupree, it’ll be  _ fucking sick _ , but I  _ will _ have to fail you.” Taako was in the middle of scolding his class when Lup finally arrived.  
  


“You almost done, ‘Ko?” She asked, hopping up onto his desk.  
  


“No. Get off. You’re crumpling my papers.” He gave her a light push, “Any other questions?”  
  


“If Renee transmutes her final exam into an imitation of Dupree will the exam be cancelled in order to limit any dinosaur related deaths?”

  
“No. So pray that they don’t.” Taako tapped his toe.  
  


“Hey, Ms. Lup! Are you here to do another evocation workshop?”  
  


“Nope,” she replied, popping her p, “just here to ‘rass Taako while he works.”  
  


“Yes, well, you’re doing a good job of it. Here’s the key to my office. There’s snacks and shit in there, now get out of my hair.” He reached into his desk and handed her a key.  
  


Lup stared at him.  _ Get the hint. I’m having a bad day. My body feels icky. I came here because I missed you. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to go back to my black room.  
  
_

Taako stared back. Unflinching, waiting.  
  


_ Taako, fucking use your twin senses for something other than knowing to come into the kitchen immediately AFTER I’ve finished cleaning.  
  
_

“Fuck, fine.” He threw his key back in the drawer, and gestured to the chair. “Sit, don’t get in my way, and I’ll think about letting you stay. Now that we’ve gotten all the dumb questions out of the way-”  
  


“Actually, Taako Sir, I had a question about the written portion-” A student raised their hand but Taako ignored him, speaking louder.  
  


“-dumb questions out of the way, let’s talk about the practical portion of the exam.”  
  


* * *

  
“So, any reason why you crashed my class?” Taako asked, sipping his hazelnut latte. Lup had paid for drinks in apology for her disturbance, which had seemingly calmed him enough that he was willing to be personable.  
  


“Barry and Kravitz were working today.”  
  


“Yeah, and you got one day to relax at home in pjs and bake enough shit so that I never have to again,” He sniffed, pulling his coat tighter around himself.  
  


“Well, I didn’t want to do that.”  
  


“Why didn’t you take Magnus to the dog park?”  
  


“He was with Irene.”  
  


“Irene?”  
  


“Dr. Baker. His therapist.”  
  


“Forgot Maggie was doing that.”   
  


“Yeah. It’s good of him.”  
  


The _crunch_ of snow underfoot was enough to fill the silence that hung above the twins through their walk.  
  


“Hey, Lulu?” Taako asked sometime later.  
  


“Yeah, ‘Ko?”  
  


“Your hair is up today. It’s gotten really long.”  
  


“Yeah.”  
  


“It looks good. Suits you.”  
  


“Thanks, bro.”  
  


Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.  
  


_ Taako is your brother. Your best friend. Your heart and soul and your reason for living. Tell him you were afraid to be alone.   
  
_

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.  
  


_ Tell him you get nightmares about being alone and no one remembers who you are. Tell him that sometimes, when you’re alone, there’s no one to stop the voice inside you that tells you that you’re a mistake.  
  
_

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.  
  


_ Tell him that even though everyone knows you’re a girl, you feel trapped. Tell him that you feel like they call you manly behind your back. Tell them that no matter what you say or do, you care about what people think.  
  
_

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.  
  


_ Because if people don’t think about you, what’s the difference between being in the umbrastaff and being here?  
  
_

“Kravitz said he wanted tacos for dinner tonight,” Taako informed her as they entered through the front door. “Barry wants pizza, and I’m thinking that some sort of lamb dish would be fire. Settle the tie?”  
  


“I don’t want to cook. Pizza, I guess.” Lup said, flopping on the couch on the main floor.  
  


“You just picked pizza because your man meat wanted it.”  
  


“Barry can do whatever the fuck he wants. I just don’t want to think about anything.”  
  


“Hey, we’ve all been there, babe.” Taako slumped on top of her without care, crushing her into the cushions.  
  


“Taako, you’re heavy!” She groaned. “Get off.”  
  


“But you’re comfy!”  
  


“Taako, I swear to god, I will yell until the neighbors call the fantasy police.”  
  


“I’ll cast silence, nice try.”   
  


He  _ was _ crushing her. But he was warm, and Taako had been less and less affectionate as of late. She had to take it where she could get it.  
  


“I want wine. Lup, go get me wine.”  
  


“You’ll have to get off me first, dingus.”  
  


“I know that, goofus.”  
  


“Well then get up, nit-wit.”  
  


“I don’t want to, oaf.”  
  


And that was how Kravitz and Barry found them, whining and complaining at each other.  
  


“Man meat! Bring us wine!” Taako called as they stepped through the rift, causing Kravitz to immediately raise an eyebrow.  
  


“Is he speaking to you, or?” He turned to Barry, who shrugged.  
  


“I don’t think he really cares. I’ve learned that in wine and twin-related issues, it’s typically better to ask questions later,” Barry responded, turning to their wine rack. “Is the 2007 bottle okay?”  
  


“No!” Lup yelled as Taako _boo_ ed.  
  


“Do you want red or white?”  
  


“Surprise us!” Taako responded.  
  


“Surprise, it’s the 2007.” Barry said, handing Taako the bottle. He shifted so his sister could sit next to him, rather than under him, and popped the bottle open with a swig.  
  


“Barry, you suck.” Taako informed, passing Lup the bottle. “What exactly are you teaching your man meat?”  
  


“Nothing, got rid of it over a century ago,” She replied, and Taako wrinkled his nose distaste.   
  


“Don’t drink my wine and be disgusting.”  
  


“It’s my wine, I paid for half the house.”  
  


“The house did not include wine, Lupelyn-”  
  


“That is  _ NOT  _ my name, you utter dingus.”  
  


“I guess it’s a twin thing?” Kravitz asked.  
  


“Yeah. Seems like it. Best to just leave ‘em be.” Barry shrugged, turning to head upstairs.  
  


“Okay, well, have fun, I guess. I’ll be downstairs with Salem and Orchid if you need me. Call me when dinner’s ready?”  
  


“Oh, babe, speaking of which,” Taako rested his arm on the back of the sofa to glance over at where Kravitz had opened the door to the basement, “can you call and order a pizza? The traitor sided with Barold.”  
  


“Oh, fuck yeah!” They heard from the top of the stairs, followed by a crash and then silence.  
  


“Do you wanna go check on him?” Taako asked.  
  


“He’ll be fine. Barry’ll figure it out. I’m just enjoying twin time.”   
  
  
“Yeah, me too.”  
  


Even though they both knew that deep down, they were never going to be truly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Projecting on my characters?? Never.
> 
> Okay but for real, this was the set up for the next chapter, when things are going to get a lot heavier. The plot is going to start to kick off, so get ready for that. Sorry about the delay between the last chapter and this one- I was busy finishing finals for school. Next chapter will probably be up early next week, and will focus on Queen Lup again. Thanks so much for reading!


	6. Claustrophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.

She was floating weightlessly.  
  
  
Calm. Blissful. Warmth blossoming across her left side.   
  
  
And then, it turned. It always did.   
  
  
Like a ton of bricks, she was slammed against the ground.   
  
  
A gasp.   
  
  
Pain, searing across her skull and back. The nothingness returned, but this time it was cold and distant. It had the shock of being doused in ice water and being left there to drown.   
  
  
She felt like she was drowning.   
  
  
The nothingness shifted into soft fabric under her fingertips. She was dizzy. She felt drained. Was it silk? It was such a welcome relief to the nothingness.    
  
  
And then, with all the grace of a newborn deer, she was shoved back into the icy prison.    
  
  
_Let me out. Please._   
  
  
The next time, she could open her eyes. And it was still the same black she saw behind closed eyes.   
  
  
She nearly screamed. Everywhere, on every side, the black curtains of silk surrounded her. Even with a gust of flame in her hand, the room was impossibly dark.    
  
  
She tore at the walls until her fingers bled, raw and aching. The iciness had faded, happening less and less, but she'd take sensation in any form at this point.  
  


Somewhere, in the corner of her subconscious, there was yelling.  
  


Not the screaming of a hungry baby or an angry spouse, but a shriek of agony that could only be caused by an insurmountable level of pain.  
  


At first, it was merely something she was aware of. She knew it was happening, somewhere, but the room remained silent other than the shifting of silk under her toes.  
  


And slowly, it got louder and louder, until the voices were clearly definable.  
  


A sickening crunch, followed by a loud cry.  _ Taako. Taako, I’m sorry. Wait for me.  _ She tugged at the silk harder and harder.  _ Don’t fucking hurt him, whoever you are!  
  
_

Magnus’ voice came screaming next, and then Barry and Merle and Lucretia and even little Angus.   
  


They grew so loud and unbearable that she fell to her knees, hands grasped over her ears to block whatever sound she could.  
  


_ Please, let me out. Please, please, I need to protect them, please don’t hurt them-  
  
_

When she awoke, she was doused in sweat. Her heart was beating out of her chest from fear, and the silk of her bedsheets did not bring the comfort they usually provided.  
  


Barry was awake, clearly in the middle of trying to wake her up. “Lup, hun?”  
  


She tried to speak, but her heart leaped into her throat. She kicked off the blankets as fast as she could, scrambling to grab the boots she left by her bed for emergencies. It was an old habit from being on the run with Taako that she had never quite been able to get over.   
  


She only managed to shake her head as her fingers trembled around the laces, tying them haphazardly into a knot.  
  


“Lup, babe, is everything okay?” Barry sat up, watching her carefully. “It’s three in the morning. Where are you going?”  
  


The room was too dark. Even filled with Barry’s warm voice and their comfortable bed, it was too reminiscent of  _ her  _ room.  
  


“I’ll be back.” She choked out before running from the room and out onto the street. It was winter, and she hadn’t grabbed a coat in her panic, but the cold of the air was enough to shock her system back into a run. It felt good to have open air on all sides, to have gravel crunch under her boots, to feel the burn in her lungs as she inhaled frozen air over and over and  _ over-  
  
_

She tripped over the uneven path, scraping her hands and knees on the pavement. She let herself fall, pressing her forehead to the ground as her first ragged sob broke through her lips.   
  


_ You’re free. You’re alive.   
  
_

The path was lit by street lamps, so she could see each drop land on the dark asphalt under her shuddering form.   
  


She’d had the dream before. Why was it different tonight?  
  


Because the screams had never been so  _ clear.  _ She heard every breath, every whimper of every cry simultaneously, as impossible as it had seemed.   
  


It wasn’t until the sun began to rise that she finally managed to pick herself up. Her head was cloudy (whether it was from the cold or limited sleep, she wasn’t sure) and she stumbled several times during her journey home.  
  


Barry was waiting on the main floor, toe tapping against a stool at the breakfast bar. He looked like he hadn’t gone back to bed since she woke him which was, admittedly, fair. The last time she told him she’d be back soon, she was gone for twelve years.   
  


Taako was also in the kitchen, looking worried but better than Barry. There was a half-drunk pot of coffee sitting on the island counter, which looked so delightfully warm-  
  


“Lup! Are you-” Barry stood to greet her, but Taako reached her first.  
  


“You’re insane for not wearing a coat in this weather. You’re freezing, you should have set a forest on fire or something to keep yourself warm. And you call yourself a goddamn evocation wizard? You’re the dumbest fucking wizard I’ve ever heard of, and I fucking know me.” Taako lectured, taking her hands and blowing warm air onto her fingers.  
  


_ Oh. It burns.  _ She realized faintly, but it was not a negative realization. She’d always been partial to fire, and how it could destroy without mercy.  
  


“Get your dumb ass on the couch. I swear to god, Lulu, I’m going to fucking ring your neck. You stupid motherfucker.” His words were harsh, but his hands were gentle as he pushed her into the living room. One by one, he took heavier blankets and began to layer them on her. “Barold, turn on the fireplace. And tell Kravitz that this dumbass needs the day off. God, you’re the  _ worst _ , Lup.” The moment she was covered in blankets a mile high, he turned on his heel and headed into the kitchen to start cooking up some sort of warm beverage.  
  


“What happened?” Barry asked after starting the fireplace. Debriefing Kravitz could wait- he had to know.  
  


“I had a nightmare.” It seemed foolish, upsetting Barry and Taako so much over a mere dream, but Barry had his warm hands on either cheek.  
  


“Was it the same one you’ve been having recently? Will you tell me about it?” Barry asked, and the more tears began to slip from her eyes.  
  


“Oh, I thought I was done with these.” She laughed humorlessly, pulling an arm free from the blanket mound to wipe her face.  
  


“I think the fuck not. You have lost all rights to body autonomy, Lupretia.” Taako smacked her hand as he set a teacup down on the coffee table. He shoved her hand back under the blankets and began to wipe her face himself, pulling a handful of tissues out of their kleenex box.  
  


“Lupretia isn’t my name.”  
  


“You have also lost all rights to make any decisions.” Taako informed, grabbing the teacup and lifting it to her lips. “Drink. I bet your insides are all frozen. You’re lucky your reaper body is a construct and can’t die, because I would be furious if you died on me.”  
  


“You seem pretty furious already.” Lup said, and Taako narrowed his eyes.  
  


“I  _ will  _ choke you out, Lupelia. When I woke up this morning, Barold was pacing all across the main floor, and my stupid elf hearing made it so I couldn’t go back to bed. What the fuck make you run out on us, exactly?”  
  


“It was a nightmare.” Barry sighed when Lup remained silent.  
  


Taako was her heart. Her best friend. Her reason for existing. Her other half. She thought she knew him pretty well, and was expecting a teasing remark. Something about how big girls know what’s real and what isn’t. Big girls know that nightmares are just dreams that went a little too far.  
  


Instead, Taako sighed, and rested his head on her shoulder. “I get them too. Do you want to talk about it, Lulu?”  
  


“No, I don’t.” Her voice cracked. “I don’t want to think about it ever again.”  
  


“But it keeps coming back, doesn’t it?” Barry asked gently. “This is something we’ll have to work on eventually.”  
  


“We’ll get there when we get there, Barold.” Taako gave him a pointed look. “Why don’t you try and nap, Lulu? I’ll stay awake and I’ll shake you if I see you start to have a nightmare. You must be tired.”  
  


She leaned against him, nodding, and shut her eyes. In the time she had been trapped, Taako had changed a lot. She didn’t know what to expect from him anymore.  
  


Her heart was different now, and there was no way to ever get back to normal.  
  


She was still trapped, but this time, instead of black silk, it was the twisting labyrinth of memories that restrained her.   
  


She wasn’t sure what was worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're out of the A-section!!! Next chapter will (finally) have some Davenport and Merle, along with the continuation of what happened in this chapter. We're finally going to have some healthy discussions about feelings and recovery! Get ready!!


	7. Kakorrhaphiophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.

“Hey, uh, Irene?”  
  


“Mmhm, Maggie?”  
  


“Do you really think I can do this?” She glanced up from her desk. They weren’t officially having a session, but he had asked to come by for company. At some point, her office had become another safe space for him. She informed him that she did have things to work on, notes to analyze, but he was always welcome within her four walls.  
  


At some point, he had become incredibly reliant on her. His family understood, each having their own problems, but Irene had a calming aura and knew exactly what to say.  
  


“Do what, Maggie?” She asked gently.  
  


“Like, go back to normal?”  
  


“There isn’t really any such thing as normal. I’m not quite sure exactly what you’re asking me, but I think that whatever it is, you can absolutely do it,” She informed him, abandoning her papers to squeeze next to him on the love seat. “You’re Magnus Burnsides, the fourth of seven birds, and you saved the world. Whatever it is you want to do, I  _ know _ you can.” She told him with a smile, nudging him with her elbow.  
  


“But like… I just want to… uh, feel good, again. That’s not something I can easily do, is it?” Magnus asked. “Like, I feel better, for sure, but I still don’t feel good a lot of the time.”  
  


“Well, that’s why you’re here, aren’t you? You don’t have to do this alone.” She hummed, resting her head on his shoulder. “You didn’t defeat the hunger alone, and you’re not about to start flying solo now. It’s- I know it’s hard, Maggie. I know that there are good days and bad days. There will probably always be bad days. But we’re working together in order to make them happen as rarely as possible. Feeling bad is just as much recovery as feeling good is, just as long as we’re handling it correctly. I can’t change the parts of you that are afraid, but I can teach you how to work with them and rationalize.  
  


“And really, think about how much you’ve improved already. You went to Candlenights at Taako and Lup’s, you’ve been grocery shopping, and you’ve been making it to my office by yourself. Before we started meeting, I bet that would have seemed impossible.”  
  


“But what if I go back to that? To the- to being afraid of leaving my couch?”  
  


“Well, Mr. Burnsides, I happen to have your home address on file. And I am not above surprise visits,” She said in a teasing tone, elbowing him again before her voice settled down, “but if it happens, and you have a couple of really bad days, back to back, we’ll work on it. Your recovery may be about bad days as it is about the good, but having bad days doesn’t define anything. It doesn’t define you, it doesn’t define how people see you, and it definitely doesn’t define whether or not you’re ever going to be “fully recovered”. In the case of bad days, I would rather you let me know and we find a work around, than just pretend they didn’t happen.”  
  


They sat for a moment of silence before Irene returned to her desk and began working once more.  
  


“Hey, Irene?” Magnus spoke up after around fifteen minutes.  
  


“Yes, Maggie?” She smiled gently.  
  


“Has anyone ever told you that you’re really good at this?”  
  


“Mmhm,” She spun around in her chair to point at the degrees sitting at her wall. “Several people, in fact.” She smiled brightly as she turned back to face him. “Everybody has something that they’re really good at. Something that makes them really happy. Why don’t you tell me about yours?”  


* * *

  
Merle was, admittedly, not the world’s best dad. He had left a lot of parenting to Mavis, and that had torn their relationship in ways that were simply not repairable. She was- well, just a teenager. She didn’t want or need a kid.  
  


Mookie was, for the most part, seemingly indifferent to Merle’s parenting choices. Surely, he would have liked his dad around more, but he was carefree most days.  
  


And, in his defense, he was getting better. He was around more, ran his adventure camp, and spent time around with his kids.  
  


But, every once in a while, he’d see Mavis watch him with a sad look in her eyes.  
  


Like she didn’t think it was going to last.  
  


Like she thought he was going to abandon them.  
  


Like she was prepared to pick up the broken pieces he left behind, when he inevitably shattered their lives again.  
  


It fucking hurt. He wanted to be a- well, not a great dad, because that seemed like a lot of work, but a good dad sounded okay. Maybe a normal dad.  
  


It wasn’t always. Sometimes, Mavis would hug him and thank him for trying.  
  


And that fucking hurt too- the fact that she felt she needed to remind him that his efforts were dad-adjacent. 

  
All-in-all, it was a very isolating experience. No one he knew had kids. No one he knew was a parent. And he couldn’t talk to Mavis or Mookie about it, because they were sort of the root of his problem.   
  


He thought about it absentmindedly one night in his tent; Would Mavis and Mookie grow up to never speak to him, much like how when he had left the beach dwarves?  
  


The idea that someday, he wouldn't be a dad, was terrifying.  
  


Even if it was what he deserved.  
  


* * *

  
The Starblaster was Davenport’s baby. His biggest pride. He fought, tooth and nail, in order to achieve his position in the IPRE, he fought for his right to launch a very, very expensive mission (according to his superiors), he fought for how his control mechanism would be built, for each member to have their own room, for there to be a lab and a kitchen, and a living room, and he fought to be allowed to have six crew members.  
  


Even before that, he trained for years in how to captain.  
  


Failure was not something he had any experience with.  
  


It was his responsibility to save the crew cycle after cycle, ensuring that at least one person survived to make it to the ship. He made all the tough decisions. He was a leader. And, he had never failed his team.  
  


Had he?  
  


Lup hated their plan to distract the hunger so much that she had run off to grab her gauntlet solo.   
  


Lucretia hadn’t trusted his judgement about the relics, and had taken matters into her own hands.   
  


She hadn’t trusted him to keep anything other than his own name. He had become a shell of himself.   
  


How good of a captain had he really been?   
  


He had been invited to Candlenights.  
  


He hadn’t been asked when he was going to come back.  
  


He knew he upset his crew sometimes. He knew that the reclaimer team had been offended when he suggested leaving the plane during the story and song.   
  


Lup and Barry used to get upset with him when he’d enter the lab to check on their progress, insisting he was ruining their focus (and sure, he probably was, but it was his  _ job _ to ensure people were working).   
  


And Lucretia- she had been hurt when they had all jumped on the relic idea instead of the barrier. He would’ve called them, at the least, good friends before this happened, so that must have been the moment he had shattered her trust. That was the moment she must have decided that he had failed her.  
  


He was continuing to fail his team, wasn’t he?  
  


He had been gone since shortly after the defeat of the hunger. He needed to reclaim his life. He spent twelve years doing nothing. Wasted twelve years of his life feeling nothing and being nobody. He was alone, but he was self-sufficient, and gods, did it feel good.  
  


Somewhere, at the back of his mind, he wondered if his team hated him for never being around to support them.  
  


And then, he wondered if they were happy to have him gone, so they wouldn’t have to deal with his micromanaging.  
  


He wanted to stop wondering.  
  


* * *

  
Taako had asked Kravitz if he could spend the night in the Astral plane, which was about as awful in practice as it had sounded in theory. He had immediately looked so concerned, so  _ apologetic _ , when he hadn’t even done anything. Taako thought about getting upset when he told the reaper that it was about his sister and relief flooded his features, but decided against it.  
  


Taako had sent him to work with a kiss, and that had led to them being where they were now.  
  


Lup was staring down at her bowl of stir fry, mashing it with her fork without bringing any to her lips. Taako had offered to do it later in the evening, just the two of them, but she stated that if she was going to have to tell both of them, it was better to make her say the words just once.  
  


He knew she didn’t  _ have _ to eat, she was a  _ reaper _ , but he still  _ worked _ on cooking. It would be nice to not watch her destroy his hard work out of self-doubt.  
  


“So, uh, babe?” Barry cleared his throat. “Do you, uh, want to talk about what happened yesterday?”  
  


“I know I do.” Taako interrupted. “Will you tell us about the dreams?”  
  


“... I’m always trapped in the umbra staff,” she whispered, so low that Taako nearly missed it, “and it’s- I can feel the walls closing in. They- they know that I was- and it’s so dark, and heavy, and- and my brain just keeps whispering things to me and- and one second, I feel like I’m dying, the next, I feel nothing at all, just the same black walls that look like everything else, and it’s so quiet, and- people are dying and I can’t- and like, the screams don’t stop. But no one knows that I’m- and so I’m stuck, but I have to listen to the- and yeah.”  
  


It was hardly a cohesive thought. She spoke like a scratched dvd, skipping and jumping around damaged sections without pause.  
  


She never glanced up from her bowl, still mashing away, and Taako felt his heart catch in his throat.  
  


If he had never had forgotten her, she wouldn’t have had these dreams. If he had seen her corpse in Wave Echo Cave, snapped the umbrella right away, she still would have been alone- still would have been scared and lonely, but she wouldn’t have had to watch the THB act as glorified punching bags for necromancers and liches alike.  


The Magic Lessons. His date with Kravitz. When he _ heard her,  _ using the band of projected thought, telling him to trust Barry- cries for help. Begging, screaming for recognition.   
  


The destruction of Phandalin. Watching him die again, again, and again in Refuge. Protecting him against the liches of Wonderland.  
  


No wonder she could dream about him screaming. She’d heard him do it more times than any sister should. It was probably ingrained into her brain.  
  


“Fuck,” Was all he offered, his breath slipping out.   
  


“Lup, I…” Barry swallowed, before trying again, “Babe, we’re really sorry.”  
  


“Don’t be. You’re not the one that makes my brain do this.”  
  


“I mean, that too, I guess, but- the… the voidfish, thing.”  
  


“Still not your fault.”  
  


“I should have broken you out sooner. I should have known you were in there, Chalupa. Only someone just like me would be dumb enough to use an umbrella as an arcane focus.” Taako shook his head.  
  


“It was cool as shit. Also, not my name.” Lup shrugged.  
  


“I fucked up, Lup. Everyone did. We all fucked up, and you got screwed because of it.”  _ Now _ who was mashing? Eating had lost all of its appeal.  
  


“This is why I didn’t want to tell either of you. Will you  _ stop _ looking at me like that?” Lup finally snapped, standing. Barry jumped, but Taako was far more used to her rash temper. “It’s just something dumb that happens when I sleep. I’ll just meditate instead.”  
  


“Lup, these nightmares, they’re-” Barry began, but she cut him off.   
  


“I’m not some puppy out in the rain that’s getting kicked, Barold! I can fucking handle a couple of nights of shitty sleep, I can handle a couple of mood swings, but I can’t handle the two of you pitying me-”  
  


“They’re a sign that there’s probably something wrong with you.” Barry spoke louder, and that was when Taako stood, his anger matching his sister.  
  


“Ex-fucking-cuse you? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” His voice was just below a yell, noticing the hurt that flared in Lup’s eyes.  
  


“It means that-”  
  


“I thought you said that  _ it _ didn’t matter, Barry!” Lup looked to be a second away from tears.  
  


“That’s not what I’m talking about- will you two settle and listen to me for a second?” Tension was rolling off the three in waves. Slowly, Taako sat back down in his stool, reaching across the breakfast bar to grab the open bottle of wine to fill his glass.   
  


The table was silent as the bottle got passed around, each taking more.  
  


“Lup, I think you should start seeing Dr. Baker.” Barry said after a minute.  
  


“Absolutely not.” She said firmly.  
  


“Hear me out on this one-”  
  


“What am I supposed to say? Hey, sometimes I have nightmares about being stuck in an umbrella? What is she supposed to say? That sucks? Yeah, I know, and I’d rather save the money then throw it away on a pity party every week!”  
  


“Lup.” Barry said, and she finally settled. “Please, listen to me. When we heard about Magnus getting diagnosed, it was a good thing, right? We were all proud of him. We’re all  _ still _ proud of him. I’m not saying that there’s definitely some sort of underlying condition, but- I mean, it would make sense, wouldn’t it? There’s no harm in trying. Magnus didn’t want to go, and now he loves going to therapy. Just one session. We could- we could all probably use a session.” He said, glancing over at Taako.  
  


“Uh, big no on that one. Ch’boy’s fine. Taako’s good out here. Taako doesn’t need to tell someone about his problems, cause, surprise, Taako doesn’t have any.”  
  


“I’m not going to go unless you go. You said you get nightmares too.” Lup sprung on his doubt, and he glared at her.  
  


“Yeah, about normal things. Giant crabs in my room while I’m sleeping. Magnus ripping robot arms off. The hunger.” He told her. “I bet everyone who lived through the story and song has nightmares about that. It’s no big deal.”  
  


“Uh huh.” Lup stared at him.  
  


“What?”  
  


“Even if you don’t think we’ve noticed anything different, because we’ve spent some time apart, don’t you think Kravitz has? And he’s not exactly hard to read.” Lup tapped her toes against the base of the counter.  
  


“That fucker- what exactly has he been telling you two?” 

  
“He asked me if I thought you had gotten bored of him before Candlenights.” Lup said, and Barry nodded.

  
“He told us about all the ‘skin rashes’ you’ve been getting.” Barry informed, pointing down to where Taako was dragging his nails over his wrists over and over. The skin was turning red, but he dropped his hands as if nothing had happened.  
  


“I thought this was supposed to be a Lup-intervention?” Taako glared at Barry.  
  


“I’m starting to think that we all may need an intervention, bud. Knowing what my head gets up to when I’m alone, I can only imagine that we all need a couple of meetings with Dr. Baker.” Barry tapped his nails against the counter. “Lup, I- I think this could be really good for all of us. I think we should try.”  
  


“I’ll go if Taako goes.” Lup repeated, glancing to her right where Taako was sitting. 

  
“I’m not going.” Taako refused.

  
“Not even to support Lup, Taako?” Barry questioned. 

  
“So you can corner me into a session while I’m there? I think the fuck not.”

  
“Barry, babe, can I have a second with him?” Lup said. “At this point, I think we’re all done eating. You head upstairs. I’ll be in the room in a minute.”  
  


“Sure.” He stood, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I love you, Lup.”  
  


“Love you, Bluejeans.” She said, and, just as he turned around, she smacked his ass.  
  


He jumped, yelping, and turned around to two identical smiles.  
  


“What? He’s easier to reason with in a good mood. Go on, shoo.” She blew him a second kiss as he huffed.  
  


When he was gone, the smile was off Taako’s face, but the earlier tension had been lifted.  
  


“You two are revolting.” He informed, taking a deep gulp of red wine. This one in particular was Kravtiz’s favourite, so hopefully he wouldn’t be too upset that they had drunk it all.  
  


“Yeah, well, we’re practically married.” She waved him off.  
  


“Would you ever?” His voice was soft. “Get married, I mean?”  
  


“It seems strange.” She responded, fiddling with a ring on her right hand. “But, I mean, I love Barry.”  
  


“Yeah. I mean, anyone with eyes can see that.” Taako replied, and the air sat still for a few moments until Lup sighed.  
  


“Babe, it’s important to Barry and that means that it’s important to me. Please.”  
  


“That is not my man meat, that’s yours. Lup, I like Barry and all, but keeping him happy? Not my problem. I don’t want to go to some dumb spill-your-feelings-while-an-overpaid-professional-drinks-tea-and-pretends-to-care shindig. I absolutely respect your decision to go, can’t you respect mine to stay?”  
  


“If not for me, then will you do it for Kravitz?” She asked, and that seemed to resonate more within her brother. “Babe, he’s worried about you. I  _ like _ Kravitz. I can count, on one hand, the number of people I trust to take care of you when I’m not around. And Kravitz? He’s right up there. That man talks about you like you hung the stars in the sky, and I refuse to have you lose a perfect man because you’re afraid to talk about your feelings for an  _ hour _ .”  
  


“Fifteen minutes. I’ll do fifteen minutes.” He sighed into his hands.  
  


“An hour.”  
  


“Twenty.”  
  


“Forty-five.”  
  


“Lup!” He whined into his hands.  
  


“A half-hour. But you’ll talk through your shit for that half-hour and won’t deflect.” Lup compromised.   
  


“I think I’d rather the hour of deflecting.” He muttered, but she shook her head, pulling him into a hug.   
  


“Thank you, Taako. I know you don’t like talking about feelings and stuff, but thank you.”  
  


“Okay, well, that’s enough of that.” He sniffed as she let go. “I’m going to go pet my cats for as long as they’ll have me.”  
  


“Make sure you give Salem a kiss for me.” She said, affectionately running her hands through his golden hair.  
  


“I will not do that. I will give him an extra chin scratch, but I am not kissing the fleabag.”  
  


“I thought Orchid was the one that had fleas.” Lup raised an eyebrow.   
  


“Yeah, had. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dumpster man had ‘em too. Bye, Lupette.”

  
“Still not my name!” She called as the door to the basement shut. It was only then that the realization had hit her- Taako didn’t leave because he was happy with the arrangements they had made.  
  


Taako left because he didn’t want to clean the kitchen.  
  


In the basement’s master bedroom, Taako laid on his back with Orchid sitting contentedly on his chest. She purred, rubbing her cheek across his whilst Salem lay on his back at his side. The cat was clearly looking for tummy rubs, but with his stone of farspeech clenched in his left hand, he didn’t really have the chance to do it justice. He rubbed the back of his hand across the fur over and over, waiting for him to pick up-  
  


“Hello? Taako?”  
  


“Hey babe. I know I asked for the night alone, and that’s still in the air- but-” _That man talks about you like you hung the stars in the sky, and I refuse to have you lose a perfect man because you’re afraid to talk about your feelings for an hour,_ Lup’s words rang through his head “... can you come home, please? I want to see you.”  
  


The rift was open momentarily, and super handsome Kravitz and his super handsome face was there, suit as crisp as ever.  
  


For a moment, Taako considered dropping Orchid with the order to scram, so he could hug his boyfriend properly, but Kravitz scooped Salem off the bed and slotted in next to him before he could.  
  


“Are you okay?” He asked.  
  


There was so many ways to answer that question. So many different things he could say.  
  


So, he held Orchid tight, shuffled in until he was pressed against Kravitz, and spoke.  
  


“Sometimes, when a person touches me, I feel like I’ve been burnt, and the only way to fix that is to scratch myself until I feel better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been leaving comments!! You guys are the best <3
> 
> Sorry about the long update time between the last chapter and this one- I really struggled writing Merle and Davenport's sections. Originally, those were supposed to be the majority of the chapter, but I got carried away with the final scene. That, and I wanted to highlight Magnus and Irene's friendship a little more- I wanted to show how, not just therapy, but a strong support system is crucial to recovery.
> 
> Thank you again, see you soon with the next chapter (which will hopefully be up faster than this one) that will feature the first therapy session for the discussed parties :)


	8. Kenophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenophobia- Fear of voids or empty spaces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *DISCLOSURE*- I am not a therapist or mental health specialist of any kind! I tried to write the following scenes off of my personal experiences, but they may not be the most accurate depiction.
> 
> Also! As a head’s up, Lup’s section features some more gender focused conversation, specifically based on how it feels to identify as not cis. Again, based off personal experience, so not necessarily the most accurate depiction (as there is more than one right answer).
> 
> And one last thing- when it comes to making appointments, I've always had to use my legal name, over my preferred- so I did the same here. The only thing worth noting is that I used Lup Taako and Taako Lup (saw a tumblr hc where they picked eachother's names as their last so that the most important person to them would share their name, and that's why Taako said Taako Taaco at the beginning, because he couldn't remember Lup, and I'm in love with that).

9:15am. Barold Bluejeans.  
  


He greeted her with a handshake and a smile, accepting the bowl of candies she pushed to the edge of her desk.  
  


“Thank you for taking the three of us on such short notice, Dr. Baker.” He said, taking his seat.  
  


“It’s lovely to finally meet you- Magnus talks endlessly about you all. Irene is fine, by the way. Would you like coffee or tea?” She offered, but he shook his head.  
  


“No, I- I sort of struck a deal with Lup and Taako- your next two appointments? Um, that we would all be honest about our problems. And, uh, I think that if I beat around the bush, I’ll lose my nerve.”  
  


“Well then, don’t let me hold you back. One quick question, is it okay if I make some notes, Barry? Might help me organize some of your thoughts.”  
  


“Yeah, that’s fine.” He nodded. “You’ve- you know about the story and song, don’t you?”  
  


“I don’t think there’s a single soul on this earth who doesn’t,” She replied, pulling out a notepad and scribbling the date and time at the top.   
  


“When Fisher- he erased the memories of all living people, and that included the crew. I was- still am, maybe? A lich, and it- uh, it only worked on me when I was in a corporeal form. I- um, forgot about everyone, and then I’d die, and I could remember, and I’d look everywhere and- and I couldn’t find her. I couldn’t help my family. And Lup… in cycle 92, she made this umbra staff. It was- phenomenal, really. Could only be made more powerful, by absorbing the magic of defeated wielders.”  
  


“People love that umbra staff. Everyone knows that Taako used it when he was working under the Bureau. Did you know that they’ve made it into a toy for children?” Irene asked gently. “How do you feel about this… popularity, fame, exposure, if you will, that’s followed the day of story and song?”  
  


“I hate it.” He shook his head. “I’ve seen the umbra staff on posters and it just- it makes me sick.” There was a moment of heavy silence.  
  


“Can you tell me why, Barry?” Irene asked gently.  
  


“Lup… was also a lich. Before the day of story and song. And- the phoenix fire gauntlet- she went to hide it, so people would stop dying, and… she was killed. The umbra staff swallowed her magic essence, which, as a lich, was linked to her soul and- and she was trapped. For a really long time. And I never helped her. And I should have.”  
  


“I understand that that must have been very difficult for you,” Irene nodded, “But, like you said, if you could only remember what happened half the time, and had limited accessibility during that time, I think that we should also be considering that you did all that you could. Why don’t we start off easy, and then we’ll move to the trickier stuff- what did you do when your memories were wiped?”  
  


* * *

  
10:15 am. Lup Taako.  
  


“Sup, ‘rene?” Lup was everything her partner wasn’t, and then some. Where Barry had been collected and polite, Lup was casual and forward. She all but threw herself into the chair.

  
“Hello, Lup. Candy?”

  
“Do you use these to bribe first-timers?” Lup raised an eyebrow, grabbing a handful.

  
“Depends, is it working?” Irene shot back.

  
“We’ll see, depends on how good they are. How was Barry?”

  
“Confidential, unless he states that he’s okay with me making comments.” She smiled, “but I think we were able to pinpoint some good things to work on. I’ve gone ahead and given him some techniques and advice that should help him with his struggles. That being said, I do think that some of the things he mentioned may be useful to me in guiding this conversation. He mentioned you were stuck in the umbra staff?”

  
“I… was, yeah.” Lup glanced to her left, at the water cooler. “It’s kind of dumb, but I’m afraid of small dark spaces now. I don’t really love anything that reminds me of it.”

  
“For sure. What are some things that tend to make you feel upset? I’ve got the dark, and confined areas,” Irene asked, scribbling down on her notepad.

  
“Um, I don’t really like the feel of silk. And I’ve been- sensory deprivation has been an issue? Never was before, but if I don’t have enough stuff around me, I start to have an anxiety attack. And just... if I'm in an empty room, it's like I've been sucked back in there.” Lup leaned over the desk, reading her work.

  
“It’s just so I can do some further research after our session- does it bother you? I can always go off memory.” Irene offered, dropping her pen.

  
“No, I just figure that if I’m going to do this, better make sure you’re getting everything.” Lup crossed her legs as she sat back down, folding her arms.

  
“Does having people around help? People like Barry?”

  
“Yeah. He’s been helping me with the nightmares. It’s also good having someone who loves me unconditionally, and it’s not just ‘cause he’s my brother and he has to. It’s really nice to have someone that loves me, even though I’m all… you know.”

  
“I can only imagine some of the things that must haunt you, Lup,” Irene nodded thoughtfully. “I do want to come back to the nightmares, but I wanted to ask- what do you think isn’t loveable about you?”  


"Well, uh, I'm a lot to handle," She shrugged, "You know, very, um, off the walls, and all that."  
  


"And whilst, I don't want to overstep and say I know all there is to know about the Starblaster crew, it does seem to me that that seems to be pretty standard. We all have insecurities, and we don't have to get into the nitty gritty of each one, but it might help me if you could be a little more specific."

  
"It's not, like, a super big deal." Lup bit her lip as she picked at her nails. "But, I mean, Taako and I were starved as kids, and I wish I could put on a little more weight. And I think my hands are too big. They should be daintier. And I specialized in evocation, and everyone always teases me for wrecking everything, and it's like- I know they're kidding, but it doesn't always feel like they are? Like, logically, I know that everyone is cool that I'm all blazing fires and all that shit, but it just feels like a lot. And uh-" She took a deep breath, trying to hide the immediate weight that settled in her. Her ears drooped, but she pushed forwards before her nerves could stop her,"- I was assigned male at birth."  
  


Irene hummed, nodding to herself, "Well, that probably explains the hands issue, huh?" She extended her palm across the desk, "I have pretty big hands. Should we see who wins, lady to lady?"

  
"This hardly seems professional." Lup was a little taken aback, but leaned forwards all the same.

  
"Seems to me like you're afraid to lose." Irene grinned as they pressed their palms together. "Hm, my hands are girthier, but yours are longer. You have such pretty fingers, Lup."  
  


"Oh," she pulled her hand back, tucking hair behind her ear, "thanks."

  
"If you feel self-conscious about your hands, I think it's a good idea to think about different ways you can adjust your wardrobe to make you feel better. For example, a really nice nail polish, or... mm... an engagement ring, maybe?" Irene suggested, raising her eyebrows and tilting her head out to the waiting area, where Barry would be with Taako once the human managed to drag the elf out of bed, "If people are too busy looking at your jewelry and how happy you are, they won't even be thinking about your hands."  
  


"That might be worth giving a shot... the nail polish, I mean." Lup avoided Irene's gaze, choosing to stare in the opposite direction.

  
"I'm full of good ideas," Irene nodded, even though Lup couldn't see it. "Lup, in all honesty, I myself am cis-gendered, and I don't know whether or not you have a lot of people with a shared experience in your life. I'd love to help more on the specifics, but I am aware of a staff member who is post-transition that would likely be very willing to discuss how to handle gender dysphoria, if you'd prefer to do that."

  
"No, I think I'd prefer to stay with you." Lup said, offering a small smile, returning her sight back to the therapist in front of her. "I mean, I don't know anyone- well, anyone who is openly like me? And I don't like to talk about the before either, so I understand why they might not want to speak out. The issue isn't so much- like, I, for the most part, like how I look. I look like Taako, and we're both hot shit. It's just- I mean, sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, and it's- I don't understand why I had to be born the way I was? It would've been easier if I had just been born female. People used to judge me, when I was really young, and I never- I mean, I guess I never was able to shove that voice out of my mind."  
  


"A lot of the time, when a person deviates from the 'expected' norm, they're conditioned to feel like they're a mistake and less valuable than any other. Conditioning- it's sort of like when a wagon goes down the same road every day, the dirt makes two deep lines. It's really easy to follow the lines that are set out, but, if everyone who uses the path avoids the rivets, then eventually it flattens out like it was before the wagon. Did that make any sense?"

  
"I think so. I got the gist." 

  
"Okay, well, we'll work on what sort of negative things your brain might say, and hopefully, we can recondition you to only think good things. Clearer?"

  
"Definitely," Lup smiled.

  
"So, why don't you tell me about those nightmares before I forget, and we can finish it off with some sappy self-love?" Irene asked.  
  


"That sounds awful." Lup shook her head, but couldn't help the smile.

  
"Well, I bet the people who were mean to you were ridiculously mean, so we'll just have to be ridiculously kind."

  
"I said it sounded awful, not that I didn't love the idea. Sounds like a good way to wrap up, 'rene." Lup extended her fist across the desk.

  
"It's what I'm here for." She laughed, fist-bumping Lup. "Alright, so, paint me a word picture. What does it look like?"

* * *

  
11:15 am. Taako Lup.

  
You would think that after thirteen years of working at a mental health clinic, you simply couldn't get surprised anymore.

  
Taako baffled Irene.

  
Even her most stubborn clients, the ones that screamed and kicked the whole way over, she knew how to handle. When they ignored her, she'd slip them notes, talk to herself, or, for quite young kids, she'd draw pictures and see if she could get them to participate. When they screamed and yelled and cried, she would pass them her tissues and wait it out. Even her most quiet appointments would usually offer a "hey" before ignoring her.

  
Taako opened the door, glanced once around the office, and then hurried over to her desk and leaned over it. "What did they tell you?"

  
"I'm sorry, that's confidential unless they've told me there are certain things they would like to share. Candy?"

  
"Did they spill their secrets? Did they tell you things?" He insisted.

  
"We talked about some things about their personal lives, if that's what you're asking." She didn't move away, trying to remain her composure. Like _hell_ was she going to let some elf in a rhinestone shirt make her look the fool.

  
"You're telling me that my sister- my flesh and blood, looks just like me- you're telling me she told you about all her problems?"

  
"I think saying 'all' is a bit of an exaggeration- we had an hour, Taako. It was, at best, a couple of the bigger problems." Irene informed, and Taako seemed dazed as he finally took a seat.

  
"I can't believe it. And Bluejeans?"

  
"Just needed to rant, from what I could tell. He spoke quite freely whilst he was here." She nodded.

  
"Those fucking pricks." He groaned, rubbing his face in his hands.

  
"Is something wrong, Taako?" Irene probed gently.

  
"They made a deal- if Barry and Lup both came here and talked about their shit for a session, I would too. And I only agreed because Lup wanted it so bad, and she _fucking_ blackmailed me with my man meat, but I said I would go last, because I didn't think there was any way in hell they'd spill their shit to- and I mean no offense, really- to some boot-licker who's only ever had an office job and knows nothing about anything we've ever gone through." Taako grabbed a candy, and winced, "Also, these are garbage. They're all fructose, and way too sweet."

  
"While I will say that there are a lot of things that you three have experienced, I will have you know that Lup and I have very similar traumas related to being a big-handed lady." Irene rebutted.

  
"I thought you said the sessions were confidential?" Taako smirked.

  
"Just proving I'm not a boot-licker," Irene shrugged, taking a candy for herself, "I don't think these are that bad. What's wrong with them?"

  
"For starters, you can tell they're mass produced- the sugar they _did_ use is burnt beyond repair, and this artificial flavouring is going to give me a headache..."  
  


* * *

  
"Hey babe, how'd it go?" Lup asked, glancing up as the door to Irene's office opened.

  
"Therapy is easy. All we did was talk about baking." Taako shrugged. "It was a waste of both of our time, really."

  
"I wouldn't go that far, Taako, do you want to come read my notepad?" Irene said, still holding it. "I'm going to take the three of you to the front desk, and we'll figure out a schedule to have you all come back."

  
"What, you wrote down my tips on creating blueberry extract?" Taako huffed, turning around.

  
"No, I wrote down a list that I believe to contain at least six traumas you have. Mark my work?"

  
There was a moment of silence, before he glanced up. "Hey, Irene?"

  
"Yes, Taako?"

  
"How the _fuck_ did you figure _any_ of this out, just by listening to me talk about powdered sugar?"  
  


"What can I say," She shrugged, "I'm good at reading people, come on, let's go make you an appointment. I'm going to see you and Lup weekly, and I think that Barry can get away with every two weeks." She informed the three as well as the front desk workers, nodding before stepping over to the corner to check the calendar behind the desk.

  
"Um, so, for payment, Lup and I have a shared account. I- do you do direct deposits-"

  
"Barry, your insurance actually covers all of the sessions for all three of you. Just go ahead and book your next appointment." Irene informed.

  
"Um, we don't have insurance." Lup frowned.

  
"Yes you do. Ask Magnus." She winked, and then turned down the hall to head back to her office.  
  


("Hey, Maggie?"  
  


"Hey Lup! How was your first day of therapy?"

  
"Good, I think- Dr. Irene told me to ask you about our insurance plan?"

  
"Oh! That's just a little joke she and I have. She calls it the insurance because it would look bad if other clients knew we got preferential treatment. She calls it the seven birds plan- um, she said that because we saved the world and everything, she thinks that it's only fair that we can get the treatment we need. Cause of, you know, shit we saw. So she's never charged me for any appointment I've had with her."

  
"Oh."

  
"I think you'll really like her. She's really nice. And she really cares."  
  
  
"I know- it was only an hour, but I feel like she's already so invested in my recovery."

  
"That's the magic of Dr. Irene! Now, did she say anything about me?"

  
"Sessions are confidential, Maggie."

  
"Not between friends! Pleeeeeeease?")

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we're two thirds done, meaning that more things are going to start happening! I've got some stuff planned for the next few chapters, so stay tuned- I'm also really excited as I've just come up with an idea for a slowburn taz fic that I'll start working on once I'm done with Symptoms, so stay tuned.
> 
> Thank you all for continuing to read, and for leaving such wonderful comments! Stay happy and stay safe <3


	9. Mythophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements.

“Sometimes, when a person touches me, I feel like I’ve been burnt, and the only way to fix that is to scratch myself until I feel better.”  
  


Kravitz’s face, almost immediately, fell. If not for Orchid sitting on Taako’s chest, he would have thrown himself at his lover- Dumpster Man be damned.   
  


“Taako, I…” Kravitz floundered for words, but Taako could only shake his head.  
  


“I- please don’t be sad, babe. It’s nothing you’ve done. It wasn’t- I mean, before, when we worked for the bureau, it was an issue sometimes, but nothing crazy. Like, Taako’s never really been the cuddling type, so I’ve always kept some of the more clingy shitheads out of the way. Y’know, Magnus and Angus, and shit,” He chose to not look at the heartbreak on his boyfriend’s face, focusing rather on the sleepy blinking of Orchid’s ocean eyes. “When Lup and I were kids on the run, she and I used to curl in together for warmth. And that was never a problem. I guess what I’m saying is that, when shit broke bad for me, and I felt like I didn’t have any value, I started having problems with people touching me.  
  


“I- I don’t think I’ve talked about it with you, but, when I had my memory wiped, before I met Magnus and Merle, I had that TV show- Sizzle it Up! With Taako- I know you know about that, but- my stagecoach manager was named Sazed and he was my partner in more ways than one. When I refused to share my spotlight, the affection faded fast between us, but he never left, and… and I used to hate the way his hands would touch me. They were either too harsh or sickly sweet, and, with time, I got used to avoiding touching anything all together.  
  


“And I love you, Kravitz, seriously. I don’t say it a lot, I know that- but that’s hard for me too. I’m not easy to love, and I know that, but- at dinner tonight, we sort- we fought about attending therapy. And Lup warned me that- babe, I don’t want to lose you. I think you’re one of the few things that’s gone right in my life.”  
  


“Taako, I love you. But you’re wrong.” Kravitz said.

  
“Okay, well-”  
  


“You are incredibly easy to love. I know talking about how you’re feeling is hard for you, and I know that there are things in your life that haunt you. I  _ was _ worried about you, about us, but not because I don’t love you. I want you to be  _ happy _ , and I would give my life to see it. I’m not sure how to help you. Being a bounty hunter for the goddess of death, helping people through their troubles isn’t quite my forte- we have a whole island dedicated to calming souls so that they can be put to rest. Taako, I really, really want to help you feel better. What can I do?”  
  


“Right now? I’d really like it if you could big spoon me, kemosabe.”  
  


* * *

  
Lucretia was not a fan of rumors. Most of the time, it was a petty stab below the belt directed at a certain party. Sometimes, they were true, but other times they were shots in the dark to damage a reputation.   
  


That was why, in her notes, she was as accurate as possible. Leave as little room for speculation as possible, and protect everyone on the team.   
  


On their home world, when Davenport was given permission to lead the IPRE mission, people speculated that he asked for such a high budget in order to launder and steal money.  
  


Taako and Lup were criminals that were trying to escape their bounties by getting themselves shipped off in space.  
  


Merle was trying to lose custody battles for all of the random offspring he had acquired through nights out.  
  


Magnus wanted an excuse to kill, and where better than in an unexpecting world?  
  


Barry, who had been known for dabbling in necromancy, was going to try and kill them all.  
  


And she was supposedly depressed, and was hoping to run off and abandon the team at first touchdown in the new world.  
  


Hadn’t people heard of being shy?  
  


So, naturally, when someone at the bureau mentioned to her offhandedly that they thought that they had overheard that Lup, Barry, and Taako had begun attending therapy, she was quick to disbelieve.   
  


Taako would never. Lup was a solid maybe. Barry she could see.  
  


_ I can’t just call and ask. They’ll think I’m trying to keep tabs on them. _ Lucretia thought to herself, fingers tapping against the wood of her desk.  _ But, if people are spreading misinformation, I need to correct them.  
  
_

Magnus?  
  


No, he’d want to know why she wanted to know.

  
And he’d tell them she asked.   
  
  
Merle wouldn’t know. Always had his stone on silent anyways. And she wasn’t exactly on great terms with Davenport at the moment.

  
The stone in her hand buzzed with the dial tone as she waited.  
  


_ Pick up. Pick up.  
  
_

“Thank-you for calling the office of Dr. Rembrandt, Dr. Jones, Dr. Baker, Dr. Sage, and Dr. Poer. If there is an emergency requiring immediate medical attention, please hang up and call 911. If you need to book or change an appointment, please press 1.”  
  


Nope, not that.  
  


“If you are a new client looking to book an assessment, press 2.”  
  


No, not that one.  
  


“If you would like to learn more about the benefits of therapy, please press 3.”  
  


Exactly how long was this machine going to make her wait? Lucretia began to tap her toe in impatience.   
  


“To hear about our hours, please press 4.”  
  


She assumed they would go to the same office as Magnus, but there was no proof. In fact, the more she thought about it, there was no reason for her to be calling at all.  
  


“To learn about financial support programs we offer, please press 5.”  
  


Okay, fuck it. She should just call Barry. This was maddening.  
  


“And for any further inquiries, please remain on the line- a receptionist will be with you shortly.”  
  


Lucretia yanked the stone away from her face as she was suddenly blasted with what sounded to be a recorder quartet of Johann’s voidfish song.  
  


This wasn’t worth it.   
  


“Hi, this is Grace speaking, how may I help you?”  
  


“Hi- this is Lucretia calling from the Bureau of Benevolence. I was just calling to ensure that Magnus Burnsides has been attending his appointments?” She asked.  _ Start off small, ease into the idea that you’re going to be discussing the birds.  
  
_

“Hi Lucretia, let me just pull up Dr. Baker’s calendar and confirm.” There was the soft clacking of fingertips on keys, and then a gentle hum. “He’s been signed in for every appointment since the 23rd of November, but it says here that that appointment was cancelled and then rescheduled. He attended the rescheduling.”  
  


“That’s perfect, thank you.”  _ Okay, Lucretia, now ask about the rest of them. _

  
“Has Magnus been showing any behaviours that you think we either need to address in the next appointment? Or do you believe he may benefit from an additional session?” Grace asked.  
  


“Oh, no- I just haven’t spoken to him in a while, and I wanted to make sure he was alright. Um, and then, if possible, could you also check to see if… um-”  
  


“Barry hasn’t had his follow up appointment yet, but both Lup and Taako were present for their sessions on Friday,” Grace informed, “don’t worry. Dr. Baker seems pleased with them both.”  
  


“Thank you,” Lucretia let out a breath of relief. Thank the gods for Grace the receptionist.  
  


“Is there anything else I can help you with today?”  
  


“No, that’s all. Thanks so much.”   
  


As she hung up, she felt considerably better. Even though B.o.B. staff were gossiping, it was true. And it was a positive thing.  
  


She returned to tapping her nails on her desk, losing herself in thought once more.  
  


_ I wish they would tell me. I wish I didn’t have to sleuth around to figure out if they’re doing well.   
  
_

_ I wish I could help.  
  
_

* * *

  
The snow of winter melted, college finals began, and then, in the blink of an eye, it was summer.  
  


They held a backyard barbecue to celebrate Angus finishing his first year of college, and it got so loud and rowdy that the cops showed up (Lucretia handled it, and no one got fined, but Kravitz seemed to be ready to rift to the astral plane the whole time).  
  


They spent a few weeks in Bottlenose Cove at Merle’s beach house, Taako taught Angus featherfall by making him jump off the moon (and then he taught him how to cast protection spells as Lup hurled fireballs at her brother). Magnus, Lup and Taako planned a weekend going to a bunch of bars in the area, but after waking up on the second morning, they agreed that some hangovers were not worth living through.  
  


And then, as quickly as summer arrived, it was gone. The crunch of dead leaves underfoot were a reminder that the world was beginning to die in preparation for the next five months.  
  


And as the greenery around them died, people seemed to as well- Barry, Lup, and Kravitz were busier than ever. Lucretia was always running around doing tasks for the bureau, Angus was back at school, Davenport was out at sea sea.  
  


Taako had been on the upclimb. He’d had bad days, but Irene was always quick to remind him that they were just that- a day. And when you live as long as Taako did as an elf, one day wrapped in bed wasn’t a big deal.  
  


Today was a very, very bad day. No one was answering their stone, not even Ren- and yeah, he knew she had class, but he was also kinda her boss. He called Irene, but she was with Magnus.  
  


He needed to talk to someone. Anyone. Preferably Irene, but he’d spill his heart and soul out to a stranger if he had to.  
  


Taako was at his breaking point, and no one was around to hear him scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and leaving your comments! We're getting close to the end now, so stay tuned, and stay happy and safe!
> 
> Update: I have no self control. Slowburn Taakitz Angus adoption au here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23991535/chapters/57712093


	10. Philophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love.

When Magnus lost Julia, he lost everything that mattered to him. He lost Steven, the Hammer and Tongs, and he swore that he would never again love so intimately.  
  


Losing that was too severe of a pain for anyone to survive twice.  
  


And he had lived quite contentedly with that decision. No one had challenged him on it until Wonderland, when he became a contestant on Heart Attack and was asked to flirt for the entertainment of wooden mannequins.   
  


It had been, arguably, one of the most painful things he had to live through. It felt like an assault to Julia’s memory, because, in all honesty, wasn’t it? The entire time they were fighting the revolution against… someone, they fought for each other. For the right to freedom, for the right to live a humble life of a wood carver, for the right to love limitlessly and be loved equally in return.  
  


And then, they won, and they were married, and _gods,_ Julia was the light of his life. It was a rather hurried ceremony, considering the fact that the moment the war was over, there wasn’t any reason for them not to be wed. He almost dropped to one knee when they heard news of… of whoever’s surrender, but had the good conscience to wait until the two were in a more private location.  
  


Julia had laughed, teased him for even having to ask, before pulling him into a warm kiss that would seal their future. More kisses followed that one, both up until and after their wedding- Julia Burnsides, formally Waxman, was a woman worth leveling cities and winning wars for.  
  


Many women within Raven’s Roost had been attracted to Magnus. He had more spirit and passion than the world’s saddest opera or most stunning orchestra, and a heart of gold. Loyal, to a fault- Never once, in the ten years he had been there, did he ever look at anyone other than the carpenter’s daughter.  
  


If Magnus had spirit and passion, then Julia the goddess Lliira, for all the light she brought into the world.  
  


The first thing Magnus fell in love with was her humor. Julia was _funny._ She was quick on her toes, and always had a retort ready. She wasn’t defensive, though. For as much as she could dish (and gods, she was always dishing some form of hard truth), she could take criticism with a laugh and a good natured shrug. Julia loved to banter, and on quiet nights between raids on… on quiet nights between raids, the two would stay up late into the night and bicker back and forth.  
  


The second thing Magnus fell in love with was her eyes. They say that they’re the window to the soul, and that had never been truer for a person than it was for Julia. Julia had gorgeous brown eyes, and whenever her eyes met his, he felt like he could drown. One glance into those eyes, and Magnus could give a detailed description of how she was feeling. Worried. Exhilarated. Pleased, delighted, overjoyed- scared, regretful- overflowing with affection. It helped that her hands would mirror her internal dialogue. Julia had a tendency to wring her hands and fiddle when she was nervous; she could never seem to keep her hands to herself when she was excited about something. On more than one occasion, she had swept _him_ off _his_ feet, but it was that predictable unpredictability that he adored.  
  


The third thing Magnus fell in love with was her hands. Julia had hands that worked, day in and day out- big, rough, and calloused, but deft and dexterous in activities that required both the strength of a bull and feather-light touches. Julia could carry pounds, and pounds of timber and war supplies without batting an eye, but there were times when she would caress Magnus’ face so gently he wasn’t sure if she was really touching him.  
  


The way she laughed when Magnus made a fool of himself. The glint in her eyes before she did something mischievous. Her stunning, curly dark hair, that she hated, and was always complaining about; her unmatched beauty from freckles to weird birthmarks to her crooked pinkie toe. The way Julia would get distracted, and forget to check on the water boiling on the stove- the way she could focus on carving for hours and hours, and yet never wait around long enough for food to fully cook. The way she would tend to his wounds after time on the battlefield, and bare her skin to him for Magnus to do the same; the way she trusted him with her life, and the way he trusted her with his. The way she would kiss every injury, and make a comment about how “fucking sick” they would look once the war was over, and their battle scars had healed, knowing that Magnus hated to see his beloved in pain. The way Julia, with her talented hands, would drop a cup every few days. Or a plate, or something else shatterable. The way that she would sometimes open the cupboard where they kept their dishware and laugh at the chaos she had created, as there was not one cohesive set of _anything_ to be seen.   
  


The way that, when they fought, she was firm on her beliefs, but still willing to listen to his perspective. Her stubbornness, and unwillingness to change, but the promise that, no matter what, she would love him and he would love her.  
  


How could _anyone_ ever compare to Julia Waxman? How could _anyone_ ever stand a chance at being as perfect? At being as headstrong? At being so perfect for him?  
  


It was one of very few things he refused to talk to Irene about. How would he broach the topic without making it sound like he was about to ask her on a date? _I lost my wife = I’m a single bachelor,_ and _I’m afraid to fall in love = I’m interested in you, tell me what you’re thinking?_ It was a bad idea all around.   
  


On Magnus’ left hand, on the fourth finger that he had dedicated to the most important woman in the world, still sat his wedding band. He cleaned it daily, to ensure it wouldn’t tarnish, and when he did, he would glance down at the words engraved inside the band; words she had insisted be pressed against his skin during every hour of the day.  
  


_Chin up, Burnsides. Love you.  
  
_

It was a ridiculous thought, but maybe she had known all along. Julia burnsides had been brilliant, and maybe she had known that someday, far far off, Magnus was going to struggle with keeping his head on straight.   
  


_Burnsides_ . Not even Magnus. Was there anything _more_ Julia than using ~~his~~ their last name as an affectionate form of teasing?  
  


Johann, Magnus’ service dog, trotted up to him as he was lost in thought. Magnus curled his fingers in the soft fur as he looked down at the pup. He was- well, Johann had flunked service dog school, but had almost everything he needed in a dog. Johann loved to sit on Magnus’ lap, and had _nailed_ proper panic attack procedure. The scottish deerhound _did_ have a tendency to wake him up at random points during the night, but he loved that damn dog.  
  


It had been Irene’s suggestion. Magnus mentioned how badly he had always wanted a dog, but that the moon had a strict _no dog_ policy, one that Lucretia was not willing to bend. Irene had recommended him to the shelter for failed service dogs, since he refused to have a dog that would only stay as long as he _needed_ it to. Magnus wanted to rush in, and find a companion to spend the rest of his life with.   
  


Johann nudged his shin, so Magnus stood from the couch and followed the dog to his empty food bowl and topped it up. It was one of the reasons Johann hadn’t made it in the program; his boy had an endless stomach, and he couldn’t do 24/7 watch. Sometimes, his boy had to eat.

  
Magnus began to make himself a grilled cheese. After sometime, Johann began to snoop around the floor for fallen treats, making Magnus trip and stumble around the huge mass of dog.  
  


“You are the worst sous chef, you know that?” He told Johann as he sat at the kitchen table with his completed sandwich.  
  


Johann stared up at him pleadingly.  
  


“I _just_ fed you, my dude.” Magnus frowned.  
  


Johann whimpered slightly.  
  


“Fuck, ok. Just a little bit, and just the crust. If you get sick, that’s on you,” Magnus groaned as he handed the dog a small portion of the bread.  
  


Johann stared at Magnus whilst he munched on his handout before lying down contentedly at his owner’s feet.  
  


“Love you, Johann,” Magnus said, running his hand once down the dog’s backside before taking his dish to the sink to begin washing up.  
  


Maybe being in love wasn’t so bad after all.  
  


The loud ringing of his stone made him jump out of his daze.   
  


“Magnus? It’s Barry. Lup’s- Have you spoken to Taako? Do you know where he is? Twin powers, or something- she’s freaking out. Something is wrong.”  
  
  
“Don’t you guys have reaper magic and all that shit? Just track him down like that.” Magnus said, trying his best not to panic. Taako was a loose canon at the best of times. This was likely no different.  
  


“It only works on souls that are dying, bud- listen, Lup’s really worried. Apparently he’s been missing his therapy for the past few weeks, and now she can’t find him anywhere and he’s not answering any of our calls.” There was some shifting, and Magnus could hear very faint crying- Lup. “We’re going to need all hands on deck. Something’s up.”  
  


“Be there in 20,” Magnus promised, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. The dishes could wait- it was time for the protection fighter to absorb damage to protect his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy howdy- things are about to kick off. As I continue to write the end of this work, I am changing some of the tags- there is a scene in the next chapter that may be triggering for some people, but I will try to give as much warning as I can and will provide a summary at the bottom. Stay happy and stay safe, and thank you to everyone for reading!
> 
> In case you missed it, here's my next TAZ fic, which is updating every other day (next chapter is on the 6th) and is more plot heavy and has longer chapters: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23991535/chapters/57712093


	11. Soteriophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soteriophobia- Fear of dependence on others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: su*cidal tendencies through out almost the entirety of the chapter- summary provided at the end. Content is safe until the end of the first break at Davenport's section- last line is "... it was itching to be explored"

Something Davenport was good at was staying busy. First thing he did after the hunger was defeated was buy the Wavejumper, a beat down sailboat. Then, he spent a month in the harbour fixing her up and then took her on her- well, not the boat’s, but his maiden voyage.  
  


The seas were rough in all the right ways, challenging him one day and soothing him the next. Davenport had woken with the sun, and taken his vessel for a cruise around the coast of a nearby island. The ocean was gentle today, and the sky was so bright and blue that his eyes stung almost immediately after stepping out.   
  


He cruised around a small port town, enjoying the screeching of seagulls and children’s laughter that wafted out towards him. It felt  _ good _ to take charge of his destiny.  
  


Lucretia- she hadn’t mistreated him, but she had put him to work in a compromised state, and that in itself was embarrassing.   
  


Gnomes typically lived anywhere from three-hundred and fifty to five-hundred years, so twelve years, in the grand scheme of things, wasn’t a big deal.   
  


But it was twelve years he had spent brainless. The only thing he could reliably say was his own name. It was twelve years he had spent with no control over anything. He had a variety of suits he could wear, but was so brain-dead he always wore the same one. Lucretia would sit with him, help him eat, and ensure he was taking proper care of himself, and talk to him and tell him stories about the world around them.  
  


He loved Lucretia. In some ways, it was parental. He was proud of how she had grown from the timid note-taker to the strong woman who was capable of leading a team of  _ hundreds _ of people, and in others it was attune to having a sibling; he loved her, but  _ god _ was he  _ fucking angry.  
  
_

The sea jostled him gently as they sailed, and Davenport had become so well-adjusted to the familiar back-and-forth that it didn’t faze him as he climbed to the top deck where the steering module sat.  
  


This was his favourite part of being a Captain. Being in total control.   
  


His stone of farspeech began to buzz in his pocket, glowing a soft crimson.  
  


_ That’s Lucretia.  _ Davenport hummed softly, glancing around at the sea. He would be docking within a few hours, and he could call her back then. He needed some time to emotionally prepare for speaking to her anyways.  
  


The buzzing died down for a few moments, then started again. Still crimson.  
  


She was persistent, he’d give her that. But the sea waited for no one, and it was itching to be explored.  
  


* * *

  
He could hear her voice in his head as his stone vibrated in his hand, begging him to make the right choice. The air was crisp around his fingers but not inherently uncomfortable.   
  


Everything hurt.   
  


Everything was so much  _ work _ .  
  


Every limb was weighted down, and numb; unresponsive to his wishes. There was a heavy, almost suffocating weight in his chest, and he felt so, so empty. It ate at him, from the deepest pits of the void outwards, filling the hole in his chest with a dull, occasionally piercing ache.   
  


He left his stone on the bench as he stumbled towards the water. He needed to see.  
  


He needed to see if he looked as empty as he felt.  
  


He slipped on the edge of the pond, falling in. He hadn’t had time to take a breath before falling in, but that was fine. He’d resurface in a moment.  
  


For now, he just wanted to drift amongst the odd pieces of driftwood.  
  


His chest began to feel tight, as the urge to breathe in filled him, but the sight around was worth a little discomfort.

  
He’d surface in a moment.  
  


* * *

  
When Lucretia called him for the third time in a row, Davenport reluctantly answered.  
  


“It’s an emergency,” She said in lieu of a greeting.  
  


“What’s wrong?” He asked, turning towards the shore. Better start docking now. By the time he had his ropes tied, there would surely be a reaper trying to push him through a portal, buoys attached or not.  
  


“It’s Taako.”  
  


Now that, that  _ couldn’t  _ be good.  
  


On the Starblaster, Taako and Lup had adopted a  _ “we’re your youngest children, so you can’t get mad at us” _ policy, despite being elves and being two of the oldest crew members. But their youthful energy had helped them worm their way into his heart, even though they had a knack for getting into shitty situations.  
  


“Fill me in. I’m pulling into port now- should be ready for a portal within the next ten minutes. What did he get himself into now?”  


* * *

  
Taako had a tendency of wandering off.  
  


And yeah, it sucked, but what was a girl to do?  
  


Taako had never done it when they were kids, but she had a feeling that spending time sans twin had changed him in ways she’d never really understand.  
  


When she came home and found that he was gone, she wasn’t bothered. There wasn’t any food left out on the stoves for the reapers, but honestly? They didn’t need to eat, and Taako deserved a day off every once and awhile.  
  


Kravitz went downstairs to spend time with the cats, and Barry and Lup went to their room upstairs to watch fantasy Netflix.  
  


Something in her chest shifted uneasily, but she ignored it.  
  


But she couldn’t sleep, and it only twisted, and turned, and reared its ugly head higher and higher.  _ Something is wrong _ .  
  


At around five in the morning, she went downstairs, and froze as the feeling amplified hundreds- thousands of times over.  
  


_ Something is wrong. Something is wrong with Taako.  
  
_

The moment her foot touched the carpet of the first floor, her eyes locked with Kravitz, who had been pacing.  
  


“He never came home,” He said, short and abrupt. Lines of worry had marred his usually handsome features, and his nails were dug harshly into the hem of his sweater.  
  


“Taako’s hurt,” She replied, surprised at how weak her voice sounded. A single tear slid down her cheek, and she brushed it away carelessly. “Something- I can feel it. He needs us.”  
  


“He hasn’t answered his stone. Lup, I’ve called him  _ forty-six _ times in the past hour.” Oh good, Kravitz was about as frantic as she was. In the very slim, very rare chance she was wrong, Taako would have a good laugh over how worked-up the two of them had become.

  
Kravitz made tea, and the two huddled on the couch as they waited for Barry to wake up. The ache never faded, but it never got worse, so Lup was at least able to take solace in the knowledge he was okay.  
  


At eleven they called Magnus, and then Lucretia, to see if he was with either of them. The answer was a resounding no.

  
Just past one, Lup stood to make lunch in the kitchen, and the floodgates opened.  _ Cold. Burning chest. No energy. Can’t breathe. Help, help, help-  
  
_

She clutched the knee of Kravitz’s pants as she tried to pick herself off the floor.   
  


“Lup?” He asked uneasily, kneeling on the floor next to her. Somewhere, miles away, Barry dropped whatever he was holding and rushed to her side.  
  


_ Still. Unbearable stillness. Nothing. A thick, heavy void, pulling and twisting the signal until it was further and further gone.  
  
_

__ A blossoming pain in his chest. The first inhale of what felt like hours. A burning up his throat caused by expelled vomit and water.  
  


And then, _black_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Taako takes a break, and falls in a pond while in a poor mindset. Lucretia calls Davenport and tells him to hurry home, because they haven't been able to find Taako, and there's a section from the perspective of Lup when she realizes that her brother needs her, but there's nothing she can do.
> 
> As of writing this, I'm not sure when the last chapter will be up. I'm hoping within the next few days, but I'm struggling to fit the content to cover in a method that doesn't seem choppy- the last section is probably going to be around double the length of normal chapters as I try and tie up loose ends and all that jazz. I promise everything will be fine! Happy endings. 
> 
> Thank you all for your comments and continued support, please stay happy and stay safe! <3 <3 <3


	12. Xenophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xenophobia- Fear of strangers or foreigners

Even before he opened his eyes, his head screamed at him. Somewhere, far far away, there was this annoying  _ beep! beep!  _ that would  _ not _ stop, and when he tried to move to hit the source of the sound, his entire body seemed to be made of jelly.  
  


Something cold- practically frozen- was pressed against his cheek, moving in soft, repetitive motions.  
  


Something hot- practically burning- was on the other side, weighing him down and holding him  _ tight _ .  
  


Half of him wanted to open his eyes, to touch the frozen and to touch the burning, but the other half was exhausted, and he was easily lulled back into a calm sleep.  


* * *

  
Hypothermia. Pneumonia. Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome, and a level of hypoxemic damage that couldn’t be determined until he was awake.  
  


If and when Taako made a full recovery, Lup was going to wrap her hands around his throat and choke him to death.  
  


Consciousness came to him in bits. The nurse had promised that that was normal, along with coughing and a weak soundbox. Taako was usually dazed and exhausted, but was able to talk slowly and answer simple questions.  
  


(“Did you mean to?”  
  


“No.”  
  


“Did you fall?”  
  


“Yes.”  
  


“Why didn’t you get out?”  
  


“Waited too long. Couldn’t.”)

  
One word sentences seemed to work best.  
  


With a strong prescription for antibiotics, antidepressants, and anxiety, he was dismissed a week later. They were instructed in how to handle seizures that would likely come up, along with strict rules about documenting things such as hallucinations, amnesia, and muscle spasms.

  
He was still at risk for having low blood pressure from the respiratory distress syndrome so, for the foreseeable future, he would be stuck at home. The Raven Queen agreed to give them each time off, so long as two reapers would be available for work.

  
“I want my cat.” Taako grumbled as Kravitz helped him through the door. His throat had been too sore to do much eating, and was therefore relatively weak.

  
“I’ll help you downstairs,” Kravitz said, wrapping an arm tightly around his side.

  
As the reaper eased him down into their bed, Taako felt a type of warmth he hadn’t in a long time. It felt  _ good  _ to be home, with no wires attached to him in uncomfortable places. The doctors and nurses had kicked Lup out of his bed every time they caught her, and despite his begging for Kravitz to join them, he was too worried about the hypothermia returning.

  
So it felt amazing when it took very minimal grabby hands for Kravitz to join him under the thick, soft covers, pressing tightly against each other. 

  
Kravitz pressed kiss after kiss into his exposed skin- forehead, neck, and cheeks alike- thanking his queen for protecting Taako and swearing his undying love for the man.

  
Maybe it was the relief of being home, maybe it was the medications, maybe it was the residual assistance of therapy, but Taako didn’t feel anything. No burning, no urge to itch, scratch, and destroy- just the familiar flutter of affection and joy sitting fresh in his heart.

  
“I love you too,” Taako whispered, putting a hand on either side of Kravitz’s frigid cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss. His lips were only slightly colder than Taako’s, thanks to the time he had spent pressing affections into his visage.

  
Kravitz was soft and gentle in his touch, barely pressing his lips against Taakos before easing off, then back once more. Gently, Taako pulled at his lower lip with his teeth, urging Kravitz closer, further,  _ more- _

  
“ _ Mrrp _ !”

  
“The welcoming party seems to have arrived.” Kravitz smiled, and started to pull away.

  
“No. Ignore her. She’ll leave.” Taako grew raspy towards the end of sentence, still not fully accustomed to speaking for long periods of time. He wrapped his arms around Kravitz and tugged him back into his space. Kravitz’s lips were soft, tasting of vanilla, and always so affectionate-

  
“ _ Mrrp _ !” 

  
Two sets of paws landed on Taako’s blanket-covered ankles, pushing and pulling in the skin with a loud purr.

  
“Orchid seems to want your attention, dear.” Kravitz laughed as Taako huffed.

  
“Fine, spoiled brat.” He scooped her into his arms, and almost immediately Salem was on the bed as well, wandering onto his lap.

  
“They missed you.” Kravitz beamed, scratching behind his cat’s ears.  
  


“Yeah?” Taako muttered, pressing his face into the soft fur of Orchid’s cheeks. “I guess I missed them too. Even you, trash hulk.”  
  


“Dumpster Man.”  
  


“Rubbish guy.” 

  
“Stinky cat,” Kravitz laughed. “Garbage boy.”

  
“Garbage boy!” Taako laughed back. “Now  _ that’s _ a good cat name.”

  
Kravitz placed his chin on Taako’s shoulder, beaming. “Better than Salem?”

  
“From Sabrina? Bubbelah, Garbage boy is funny," He took a deep breath (or rather, as much as the _fucking_ pneumonia would allow) but  _ nothing _ tops a good pop culture reference.” Taako turned to face him, bumping their noses together.  
  


“I love you. I’m happy you’re home.”  
  


“Yeah, me too.” Taako whispered, bumping their lips together.  
  


And he meant it.

* * *

  
“I hope you’re hungry, because I brought lunch!” Magnus said as he poked his head through the door to Irene’s office.  
  


“Maggie, you are a life-saver. Seriously, I owe you a million.” Irene smiled widely at him. “Get on in here, and tell me about what’s going on in that beautiful brain of yours.”  
  


“Well, I think I’m going to open a service dog training academy in Raven’s Roost. It’d be- I think it’d be good for me, to be a little closer to home, and it would- it’s out of my comfort zone, for sure. But the house I bought with Davenport is way too big for just one person, and there’s no reason for us to have a house when neither of us live here around the clock.”  
  


“Oh, Maggie, that’s- that’s really, really great. That’s what you want to do?” She seemed a little hesitant.  
  


“Yeah. But- I think it’s important that I still spend time with my family here and I- I still want to hang out with you. So I’m going to come back on weekends, I think. Maybe I’ll try and get some volunteers or hire some extra help to cover me.”  
  


“Magnus,” Irene’s worries seemed to fade entirely, “you are one of the most- and forgive my unprofessionalism- you are a bomb-ass bitch, and you are going to kick this in the ass. I’m so proud of you, and I think this is an awesome choice.” She stood, pulling him into a tight hug.   
  


“Thanks, Irene. That means a lot.” Magnus pulled away from his hug and smiled down at her. “My wife passed away seven years ago, and it’s really hard to talk about, but I want to move to be closer to her.”  
  


“Everything that’s important is hard to talk about, Maggie, that’s-”  
  


“That’s why it’s hard, I know, you’ve told me, like, a bajillion times.” He rolled his eyes.  
  


“Wow, are you a psychologist?” She laughed. “Want one of my degrees? You’ve earned it.”  
  


“Sure, can I get the one with the pretty red stamp?”

  
“You strike a hard bargain, but I’m so damn pleased, I’ll let it slide. If you ever can’t come back for a weekend, we’ll call. Besides, you’ve gotta tell me about your wife.” Her smile softened, and she nudged him gently. “The great wife of Magnus Burnsides, the leader of a revolution? That’s gotta be one crazy ass story, and I can’t wait to hear it.”

  
“Her name was Julia-” Magnus wan interrupted by a knock at the door.  
  


“Julia, that’s beautiful.” Irene smiled softly before turning back to the door. “I wasn’t supposed to have an appointment- Oh, Lup, Taako.”  
  


“You’ll never believe it, Dr. Baker, he insisted I bring him here.” Lup said, “Taako ‘therapy isn’t even that important’ Lup told me that if I didn’t bring him here asap, he was going to make crème brûlée infused with peanuts, because he  _ knows _ that’s my favourite and I can’t have any.”  
  


“Taako, you’re allergic to peanuts too.” Magnus raised an eyebrow.  
  


“Lose a battle, win the war.” He shrugged. If anyone noticed the way his left hand twisted and convulsed against his will, no one said anything.  
  


“Sorry, Maggie, lunch is going to have to wait. I think the dynamic duo needs me more.” Irene smiled at him, and he shrugged.  
  


“That’s okay. I heard Grace just adopted a baby pomeranian, and I need pictures.” He winked. “Have fun?”

  
“I’ll join him, let me know when you’re good, babe?” Lup said, kissing her brother’s forehead, but he shook it.  
  


“No, stay. Someone has to- the rasp when I talk to long-” He coughed into his elbow as Irene poured him a glass of water.  
  


“Well, if you want me to interpret for you that’s  _ fine _ , but I’m going to hear all your juicy secrets.” Lup teased.  
  


“There’s no juice- I just wanted to tell her about-” a sip, a breath, another sip, “the medication, and how it’s helped. And that maybe-” a longer pause, as he caught his breath, “-maybe we should meet twice a week.”  
  


Lup didn’t have to interpret at all. Irene understood, as she always did. She understood the rasping as she understood Lup’s nightmares, Magnus’ protective instincts, Barry’s trauma, and all the lines in between. She listened as Taako explained how he found himself at the park, his time in the hospital, and his return home- laughed as he bitched about the pneumonia that just wouldn’t  _ quit _ , and hugged them both as they left and thanked them for continuing to strive for their recovery.  
  


Magnus waved at them on their way out, goofy smiles and waves that were a mirror to the child they had met at the IPRE orientation, and Taako coughed to avoid letting his affectionate smile show.  
  


* * *

  
Barry moved to a monthly therapy basis, for more of a checkup than anything. He started keeping a diary, which Lup thought was  _ hilarious _ , and demanded that he allowed her to take a picture to send to Lucretia (apparently they made the same face when they wrote, which sounded fake, but ok). More than anything, it was beneficial to have a permanent reminder of the days he spent with Lup at his side. Wedding discussions had resumed- it was something they had been considering during the stolen century, but they never had an appropriate time to assemble a ceremony during the destruction of every world. But now, when life seemed to be on the up-climb, there seemed to be no reason not to get hitched, especially when Lup got jittery when wedding catalogues arrived in the mail. She’d spend hours flipping through them, crossing out areas of certain dresses and highlighting others, and smacking Barry’s hand away when he’d lean in to see-

  
It was so domestic, and he was so in love with her.  
  


The nightmares were fading in frequency. After some debate, she also began taking medications to help regulate her REM cycles, switched the silk sheets to cotton, and created a plan for how Barry could best help her adjust- they weren’t ideal, but they were coping.  
  


“I’m thinking red roses would be fun.” Lup said, biting the back end of her pen in thought. “For the centerpieces?” She looked up from her notepad to look at where Barry was staring in the doorway.  
  


“You are, and I’m sorry, this is going to be a lot, but you are single-handedly the most amazing woman I have ever met,” Barry said.  
  


She stuck her tongue out. “I know, bear. Now, climb on this bed and tell me about how right I am.”  
  


“About what, exactly?” He said, following her instructions.  
  


“About how red roses would make phenomenal centerpieces.  _ Weddings Weekly _ disagrees.” She said, pointing to an article that said  _ ‘Colours to Avoid on Your Big Day’ _ .  
  


“Fuck  _ Weddings Weekly _ . We’ll have red roses, babe, and they’re going to look bomb as hell.” He said, and Lup beamed, tackling him into the mattress.  
  


“I fucking love you.” She smiled, kissing him.  
  


“I fucking love you too.” He smiled back.  
  


* * *

  
Merle, Lucretia, and Davenport started coming by for things other than holidays. 

  
Merle took his stone  _ off _ silent, which was, by all means, a miracle in itself, and would either call or swing by town once a month. Invited people to join him on his adventuring missions which- thanks but no thanks, no one wanted to do. But all the same, he’d rent a hotel room with his kids not too far away from the Reapers +1 household and come by for dinner, telling outrageous stories about kids mistaking poison ivy as many, many different things, and with enough cheerwine to make his discussions about plants tolerable.

  
Lucretia was harder for Taako to have around, with the tension that had never really healed, but Lup, Irene, and Davenport had all said the same thing-  _ she’s family, and that has to mean something _ .

  
He wished it didn’t, but it absolutely did. At the end of the day, she took his fucking sister away from him, but she  _ was _ his little sister. His stupid, fragile, tiny human little sister, who made him so angry, but that he would (and had) kill for. It was slow going, at first- conversations were awkward and forced, as the two dodged around sensitive topics, but it was a step in the right direction. They were healing, as much as it was uncomfortable and weird.

  
Between the three, Davenport still visited the least. He still spent weeks away, sailing around the neighbouring coasts, but he was good about calling. He buried his hatchet with Lucretia too, supposedly- she spent a weekend on his sailboat with him, where he taught her the (pun not intended) ropes. All it had taken was one cheeky salute and an “Aye, Cap’nport!” for the two to fall back into the familiar rhythm. It was enough to make Davenport consider selling his Wavejumper to buy a ship large enough for the whole family.

  
But THB had already printed a custom t-shirt for him that had a custom design of his ship with  _ WaveHumper! _ Written on the front in a surfer font for the following Candlenights, so they had to convince him against it. Maybe in a couple years, they could sail together. No rush- life was moving soothingly slow.

  
Or, it was, for a time- the wedding jitters seemed to spread across their family the closer Barry and Lup got to tying the knot, up until minutes before the ceremony, in which Taako was on the brink of throwing up throughout. 

  
But, as always, they survived. Davenport was Lup’s father and daughter dance, and then immediately was Barry’s mother and son, making THB giggle. Davenport was  _ small _ , and even Barry, who was shorter than Lup, was bent at nearly a 90 degree angle to speak to his captain while they danced.

  
Taako danced until his feet bled in his shoes, and then he took them off and continued- Lup, beautiful in her dress, hugged him tightly and kissed his cheeks and  _ thanked _ him for being the best brother she could have ever had (maybe it was the champagne talking, so maybe it was also the champagne that made Taako begin to blubber like a baby as he hugged her tightly and told her the same). 

  
It seemed like everyone who knew  _ anyone _ showed up- of course, there was Carey and Killian, Ango McDango and Avi, but there was also Leon (?), Sloane and Hurley, Gram the Juicy Wizard, Jess the Beheader, Artemis Hallwinter, and Roswell’s bird (Taako was still unclear whether or not the bird  _ was _ them or not, but mysteries were more the brat’s deal than his). 

  
Magnus got drunk early on, and remained stationed at the punchbowl,  _ chugging _ , despite constant reminders that sugar would  _ not _ be good for his hangover the following morning, and that water would be a far better solution. However, in the truest cinematic parallel anyone had ever experienced, Magnus merely slung an arm around Avi and proclaimed, “I’ll be fine!”

  
Merle left early, saying he had to put his kids to bed, but Davenport confirmed that he had left his kids at home. The crew collectively shuddered at the realization that there was something  _ far worse _ that that man was doing.  
  


Lucretia agreed to photograph the ceremony, and she was, really, quite talented at it.  
  


“I used to take photos to accompany my notes sometimes,” She had explained beforehand. “It’s not perfect, but it’s free, right?”  
  


Lucretia, in Taako’s opinion, was ever the huge fucking liar- her photos were perfect, and he reminded her every chance he could. If little sister Lucretia was feeling self-conscious, then that meant it was big brother Taako’s job to comfort.  
  


Towards the end of the night he bumped into (literally bumped into, in the least cute sense of the word) Kravitz. He was pretty buzzed, so when the two collided Taako just laughed and mashed their lips together.  
  


“It’s nice to see you too.” Kravitz laughed, wrapping his arms around his lover.  
  


“I love you, Kravvy.”

  
“I love you too,” The reaper smiled back, stepping into a tender dance in the late night. “We should do this sometime.”  
  


“Dance?”

  
“No. The whole wedding thing.” Kravitz murmured. “I never got to when I was alive, but- I want to?”

  
“Hm? Why not?”

  
“Never found the right person, I guess.”

  
“And have you, now?” The tremors picked back up in his right hand, so Kravitz linked their fingers.

  
“I think so. But, babe, we’ll talk about it more another day, when you  _ haven’t _ had your weight in wine.”  
  


As the night ripened in time, and feet grew sore and hearts grew lighter, there was a joy that had been absent from the lives of many that was present once more. No one’s life was truly perfect, but it was a night so joyful and well-earned that all were fooled, if even for a few mere hours.  
  


And they lived, and they grew, and they recovered, and they were happy.  
  


* * *

  
Graduation was  _ thrilling _ . The promise of never having to read another dumb essay, write a miserable paper or participate in group work- it was enough to fill the room of anxious students with jitters. Everyone, against all odds, had made it- even the kid who seemed no older than seventeen- this  _ was _ a master’s program, wasn’t it?  
  


Rehearsals had finished fifteen minutes prior, so Trill, along with her companions Theo, Kathra, and Belladonna sat near the entrance of the hall to wait for their family and friends to arrive.  
  


“Can’t believe the brat made it,” Trill muttered.  
  


“Who, Angus? He’s really nice. I worked with him a few times in my elective last year. He’s- I mean, I just didn’t like working with him because he made me feel kind of dumb.” Kathra tapped her fingers against her knee.  
  


“It’s because you  _ are _ kind of dumb!” Bella teased, pressing a kiss to her cheek.   
  


Kathra opened her mouth to disagree,  _ she was graduating, wasn’t she?  _ But instead only managed a “Wow, marry me.”   
  


“Gross. Hey, isn’t that Davenport? As in, like Captain Davenport from the story and song?” Theo nudged Trill.  
  


“Maybe he’s a special guest speaker or something,” Trill shrugged, picking at her nails.  
  


“That looks like Lucretia- two guest speakers?” Kathra tilted her head.  
  


“Holy fuck, and that’s Taako from TV- what the hell are the birds doing here?”  
  


“Sirs! Madame Director and Miss Lup! You made it!” There was a flurry of movement as a red robed student tackled the nearest person, who just so happened to be Magnus.  
  


“Of course we made it, D’jangus! We weren’t going to miss your graduation,” He laughed loudly, hugging the boy tightly.  
  


“Copying us, little man?” Taako turned his nose up at the red graduation robe. “You wanted to be just like me that badly?”  
  


“They’re standard issue, sir, everyone has to-”  
  


“It’s okay, Agnes, we get it.” Taako placed a hand over his heart (which was likely just a ploy to flaunt his engagement ring) and smiled. “If I were you, I’d want to be me too.”  
  


“Ignore him, congratulations!” Lup said, handing him a bouquet of flowers.  
  


“Ms. Lup-”  
  


“It’s actually Mrs. Lup- has been for a few years now-”  
  


“ _ Mrs. _ Lup, thank-you, but I can’t hold these while I walk across the stage-”  
  


“The kid doesn’t want ‘em, Lup. Can I have them  _ now _ ?” Merle pushed, and everyone in the group recoiled.  
  


“Abso-fucking-lutely not,” Taako said.  
  


“You are a disgusting man.” Lup gagged as Lucretia sighed.  
  


“Grossarooni,” She shook her head.  
  


“I’ll hold ‘em for you,” Barry promised. “Now, come on, take me to meet your teachers! Vecna teaches here right? He’s done some  _ incredible _ work with necromancy, and I’d  _ love _ to pick his brain-” He began to ramble, just as Kravitz began to say, “Barry, please remember that as an emissary of the raven queen, you  _ cannot _ practice necromancy in any form-”  
  


Angus laughed, bright and loud, echoing throughout the hall.  
  


“I guess one of ‘em had a kid.” Trill shrugged.  
  


“Seems like it.” Belladonna nodded.  
  


“They look really happy.” Theo sighed. “I want to be  _ half _ as happy as they are, someday.”  
  


And they would be, someday. It was just a matter of time. Just as the arrival of the hunger had been inevitable, cycle after cycle, so was finding joy. They just needed guidance.   
  


But they lived, and they grew, and they recovered, and they were happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I just wanted to clarify that the last scene at the end is around 5ish years after everything else? I also was out of ideas for the npc's so I used the pc's from my current D&D game... I hope it wasn't too confusing/ jarring??? If it was please let me know and I'll edit it. 
> 
> Thank you again to everyone who supported this story from beginning to end by leaving comments and kudos- you're all the best <3
> 
> Please continue to stay happy and safe!! <3 <3
> 
> (Also, one last self promo- I have a slowburn fic I'm currently working on called "Silk and Lace" that is mature content but it's an adoption au with Angus and I'm very excited about it! It's a lot more plot heavy than this one, which was more focused on how one person felt at any given time, and now I'm rambling, but thank you again for reading to the end!!)


End file.
